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How to become an anti-vax MLM sensation!
Webworm's guide to making some sweet cash from spreading blatant lies to your braindead followers
Are you a social media influencer with around five to ten thousand followers and a void where your soul should be? Looking for your next Multi Level Marketing venture? Because I’ve got the thing for you.
Because whether you’re like Valerie and have around 3000 followers —
Or like Monique, who has over 50,000 followers —
I’ve got some great news for you.
Because let’s just cut to the chase: Being a social media influencer is hard. There are so many perfect faces and bodies out there — how can you ever compete? A photo of your face and body just won’t cut it anymore. Expect to sell products to people and get free gear with your dumb old face? Dream on!
I mean, Val posted this photo and only got 148 likes!
148 likes! Get in the bin, Val! Call the dump truck!
And let’s look at our social media influencer friend Monique. With a total of 56,200 followers, this cool beach shot only brought in a dismal 4,610 likes.
4,610! No-one in their right mind is going to give you free products with that pathetic count. Someone call the FBI and report a social media crime! There’s been a murder!
But don’t worry — I’ve got the perfect solution to get back on track with your likes and comments!
Just add some made up bullshit & anti-vax lies to your post!
Monique only go a pathetic 4,610 likes with that bikini shot — but let’s see what happens when she posted that same shot again, with added a photo in a hospital bed next to it!
She got 75,000 likes overnight! It’s that easy!
But here’s a key tip: It can’t just be any old generic photo of you in a hospital bed! No sir! If you want those likes, add a totally unverified and frankly utterly batshit caption about your alleged adverse side effects from taking a Covid vaccine.
This is what Monique said under her caption (don’t worry about grammar or spelling, just pretend you’re vomiting on your keyboard and go with it):
“I wanted to wait to post this, because honestly it’s all been a bit much. But I feel like now I can. The photo on the right was me a week prior to getting my 1st Pfz & the photo on the left is me only shortly after receiving it. Defeated. Scared & Alone.
I’m sharing my story hoping to help others not feel so alone, to bring awareness that this is real. It does happen-It’s not rare anymore. I’m sharing this so that maybe you’ll think twice before having that argument with a friend or loved one about their choices&choose to be kind instead of thinking you know better-This is my story
15 mins after my 1st I started to fit uncontrollably for 45 mins.The doctor & nurse told me it was unrelated-not to go to hospital-to go home & rest(I was still shaking as I was helped out to the car-I have no prior history of this)The next day I was on my lounge when It started it again jaw lock, clammy,heart palpitations,blurry vision,cramps-no this wasn’t a panic attack, i was very calm. I called for someone to come over. Soon after I experienced another uncontrollable fit, but this one lasted 1.5 hours and it affected my speech also. Tom had to watch helpless. It was so humiliating & so painful. I can’t even explain it, absolutely Traumatic. I was so frightened so I called the ambulance. They too said they couldn’t explain it. So I ignored it because I was told it was unrelated & I was anxious, even though I knew I wasn’t & I tried to tell them that. No one would listen to me i knew it wasn’t anxiety - there was something wrong but I was just dismissed. And that was the hardest part. A day passed, more chest pains, I couldn’t breathe properly or walk very far I was so fatigued. Something was seriously wrong So I called some doctors who said go straight to hospital. I did & after 12 hours or so I was sent home as They too weren’t sure. So I went to sleep that night and unfortunately woke up at 430am to a heart attack. Alone - Another 000 call, straight back to the hospital. Abnormal ECG (Q Wave) damage to my heart & also inflammation of my heart/sack & fluid diagnosed as pericarditis from the echo, Told there’s nothing I can really do but to rest & take Panadol.”
These are some handy words and catchphrases you can throw in for extra effect:
Scared and alone
Started to fit uncontrollably
If you want to add some extra spice for extra likes, try this towards the end:
“Unfortunately woke up at 4.30am to a heart attack.”
Do the details need to make any logical sense? Of course not! When Monique wrote that she had a heart attack, her doctor just told her to go home and take a panadol!
The more utterly nonsensical side effects you add, the more thousands of likes and comments you’ll receive.
Your top comments will be from other influencers as soulless as you are, who swallow every word like a dog lapping up some of its own sick. And top of that, other Instagram users will lap up their comments as well, each deranged comment under your original post getting hundreds of likes each. It’s a vomit fest, and everyone will be feasting:
But I can hear what you are thinking: “Monica is a one-off, a freak-show! I can’t do that!”
Well I’ve got news for you: You can.
Remember Valerie from earlier with her truly pathetic follower count of just over 3000? Someone call the cops, she should be locked up for having such a pathetic follower count!!!
But don’t worry Valerie — remember the golden rule:
Just add some made up bullshit & anti-vax lies to your post!
You only had 148 likes on your last photo you loser!!! Now you’ve got 25,990!
REMEMBER: DON’T FORGET A CAPTION LISTING EVERY POSSIBLE MEDICAL SYMPTOM YOU CAN DREAM OF!
“This was hard for me to open up about, but I felt it was important to do so.
Wednesday 13th Oct I got my 1st Pfizer dose. Few hours later I had heart palpitations, body aches & felt feverish, then later that night I had chest pains & was struggling to breathe so I went to the ER with my Mum. After a long wait, I was told I had PERICARDITIS - inflammation of the sac around the heart. I was sent home and advised to take Nurofen for the pain. The next few days I felt weak, tired & out of breath constantly. I was too exhausted to do anything & still had chest pains.
3 days later on Saturday, I suddenly felt my wrists & ankles feel “heavy”/weak, and my hands & feet began to ache. I was unable to walk & move my hands much due to the pain, & at times my feet would get numb. My GP prescribed me with painkillers but unfortunately it didn’t help. Seeing that my feet were worst, I was referred back to the hospital.
My feet & lower legs were cold to touch, ached at every movement, and felt like they were being pricked at when I tried to take a step. After a 6hr wait in the ER we were called in & at this point my feet & lower legs were numb from sitting for so long.
The first 2 Doctors that saw me didn’t know what was going on but told me my condition was not from Pfizer, unrelated to my nerves & blood, and that it was “all in my head” - yes these were his exact words. I didn’t feel like I was getting any help at this point. However after another Dr saw I was struggling to walk they admitted me to stay overnight to run some tests & find the cause.
3 days later my Dr & Neurologist confirmed I had NEUROPATHY in my hands and feet - a side effect from my Pfizer dose that may last 4-6 weeks.
I didn’t have any major health concerns prior, I loved being outdoors & keeping active. I got the jab so I could work, despite me being anxious about it, & now I’m unable to because of it.
Thank you all for your love & prayers during this time. I’m currently recovering from home, doing check-ups with my GP every few days but still experiencing chest pains & struggling to walk due to the pain. But I know God is by my side
Solely doing this to create awareness”
Worried it sounds like a complete pile of drivel that no-one with a brain would even begin to believe?
Don’t worry about it!
Remember: Instagram is a literal hellscape of the worst people you’ll ever encounter during your miserable life on this planet. They will flock to your word vomit with giant straws, feverishly sucking down every last chunk you projectile vomited from your guts!
But what to do with all these tens of thousands of new likes, comments and followers?
START SELLING PEOPLE STUFF!
Go in soft: Your Instagram story is a good place to start, as people will be following along by now.
Start by talking about how good you’re feeling now.
If you’re Monique, you can write something like: “Feeling like 6570% myself”. Don’t worry about using maths that makes sense, your audience is as stupid as you’re treating them and they will love you for it!
Remember — you suffered uncontrollable fits, lock jaw, clamminess, heart palpitations, blurry vision, cramps and a full blown heart attack. People will be curious if you’re dead, so let them know you’re not!
Then they’ll want to know how you’re alive. And this is when it’s your time to shine. This is where the payoff comes. Your literal payoff: SELL SOME SHIT!!!
As everyone knows, all heart attacks are best treated by some FRENCH MARITIME PINE BARK EXTRACT. It’s how I treat all my heart attacks and it’s the reason I am here writing to you now.
Don’t stop there though! Do all your soulless social media influencer tricks and offer things like discount codes. Why be subtle about it? Subtlety is for LOSERS, LOSER.
And there you have it: Webworm’s easy guide to becoming an anti-vax MLM sensation! You just have to have zero morals and an even emptier soul.
But chances are, if you’ve been on Instagram for awhile already — you’ll already be at zero: So why not make some money?
As Giorgio Angelini remarked on my Twitter account:
“Weird that the selling of supplements has not become a very clear sign that your favorite influencer or comedian or political pundit is utterly full of shit and only has contempt for you and sees you only as a bottomless pit from which to depart you of your money.”
PS: The world is getting more annoying, right? Ugh. Share this post if you want. So many people are falling down this pit on social media — spreading vaccine misinformation and bullshit to get likes and sell products — and its a horror show to watch: www.webworm.co/mlm
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