Great as always and I'm sure the LARP community appreciates it.
I quit Facebook some time ago and left Instagram a few weeks ago and put simply, I'm happier for it. I had this fear that I'd miss out on something that didn't happen.
In fact, it's good to get away from the endless stream of bullshit fed to me by an algorithm designed to either force me to engage or make me feel bad because my life isn't some idyllic dream. It's full of anxiety, imperfections and that's what life is, along with the special moments that combine to define us.
One other small note - do you think the people like Dobbyn who say neo-Marxism ever read Das Kapital or have a shred of knowledge regarding what Marxism-Leninism actually is? They'd be surprised to learn about what genuine social democracy is and the problems that neoliberalism is causing and the fact that neo-Marxism today is mostly a buzzword to get people going more than anything else.
But your point that many people who use those terms are just using them as straw-person buzz-words for 'that political position I don't like' without much of an attempt at understanding them is sadly accurate.
All of us are like that to an extent since Confirmation bias tends to make us pay more attention to information which supports our views (especially political ones) and less to information that doesn't.
We can work at overcoming that bias - but it is intellectual (and emotional) labour.
Very true re: philosophical position, the fact I was half asleep was showing :P.
You aren't wrong about the effort to correct biases, I try to keep myself honest about that stuff and my GOD is it difficult to do. I usually try to find multiple sources to inform myself and the effort required to find legitimate ones these days is so immense that the task itself feels insurmountable depending on how mentally strong I am on a given day.
Loved this respectful conversation folks. On the subject of culture/economics I was watching this https://youtu.be/AUxKhAGexpA and was blown away by their simple concept of how to fix the mess we are in on a global, national and local scale. Of course it's on RT and on principle many people automatically ignore their content but the show Renegade Inc(by a British economist) is a hidden gem.
Yet again, another good read. Thanks David. Interestingly I also recently deactivated all my social media accounts - something which I never thought I would do. I had reached a point where I could no longer deal with the utter rubbish spewing from various friends and "news" outlets. How had my life taken a path where I would spend all my spare moments scrolling through (largely) advertising, covid misinformation and the odd photograph of a friend doing something enjoyable in their weekend. I realised I was wasting my life so I switched off. And three days later I am a lighter, happier person. I read a book if I am after some downtime and if I want to catch up with a friend and hear what they have been up to I contact them directly! I feel ridiculous as I write this, how I got so sucked into the social media hole and marinated there for so many years.
I got out of Facebook several years ago, because I was seeing posts by someone I loved that broke my heart so often, it was the only thing I could do to stop the pain. But I am so glad I did, for so many other reasons now :)
Me too. 2018 I took the #deletefacebook challenge and haven't looked back. I deleted messenger, instagram and reddit too. I attacked my data harvesting apps also, as many as I could live without, especially those that had a web alternative. The only ones I have kept are my Twitter and youTube accounts, but I use them mainly as news sources(as we don't watch free to air or cable television) and I'm incredibly selective of neutral arbiters.
This shit is so fucking exhausting. Just the constant stream of it. It never ends. Too much information. Too much controversy. Just... Too much.
The constant dueling of opinions, competing angles to a story, "facts" at odds with each other.
It's so hard to know what to believe these days. Webworm has become one of my safe spots online. There are a select few creators who I can "trust" with my time. People who provide clarity and manage to condense the madness in to palatable formats, whether it's a video, or an article, or a podcast.
Cheers, Ben. Glad you like this place. I always want to keep it safe, and sane.
Also - I don't know this person, and I don't really follow YouTubers - but this was a great video I thought, about why this guy is quitting making videos. My friend Dylan brought it to my attention: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DVCpKfedfok
Yeah, I've watched that video already because... Drum roll please... I'm also a YouTuber!
I'm an actor/writer/director with Viva La Dirt League if anyone is interested. I also stream on Twitch. And because of that, my life is very odd. And I am VERY aware of the pressures and absurdities of online life.
I connected with that William Osman video a lot. He actually really reminds me of one of the main Viva guys, who's just recently been diagnosed as clinically obsessive. He similarly could never let bad comments go, despite the fact it like to dislike ratio is always literally 99%.
I used to struggle with it (I still remember comments from some of the first videos I did with them; "I dunno who this new guy is, but he can't act. Get rid of him"), but similarly to one of the guys in the video, I've had such amazing experiences, and our community is so bizarrely positive, that I'm now able to largely "ignore" the bad comments. Well, I don't ignore them, but I have learned to read the comments generally, and not focus on any specific one. I take them in aggregate. Because like the YouTubers in the video said, its always 99% positive and I find it incredibly important to remember that.
I think my experience of being a C list Internet celebrity is also the reason for my constant efforts to remain empathetic online and to remember there are people behind the personality and/or comments. I'm hardly sorry famous, but I already have people who view me as some unattainable ideal of a human and that is fucking weird, to say the least. It's made me look at celebrities I used to idolise very differently. I've also had people make massive assumptions about me that were so, so wrong. And I see the same thing happen to other celebrities, actual celebrities, all the time.
For example, I had someone in my twitch chat the other day talk about how they're no longer a fan of Robert Pattinson because he's a domestic abuser. People in my chat started saying "oh that's disappointing" and "fuck that guy". But then I looked it up and it turns out someone had just misread an article (or only read a poorly worded headline). Turns out an ex of his is a domestic abuse victim... But from someone else, not ol Rob.
And yet, someone anonymous online, spread completely unsubstantiated rumours about him. And if I hadn't done some small fact checking, there were plenty of other people in there ready and willing to believe it.
But no one cares, because he's a rich celebrity, so they assume he's impervious to it. Just completely dehumanised him.
... I don't even know where I'm going with this. Just venting? I dunno.
I guess all I'm saying is that the Internet is a fucking strange place and it's only getting stranger. And as someone who's entire life is inextricably linked to the Internet, I don't quite know what to do about that.
Ben - thanks so much for this honesty. And insight. YouTube and Twitch are just worlds that passed me by - partly by choice, but also the fact I'm probably too old by the time I took any notice haha. This perspective is really interesting and I am sure it attracts a certain type of person. And you - perhaps - are not one of them, and can cope with the weirdness it throws at you, because you can keep perspective. So many can't. I will go have a look at your channel. Twitch - while I have the app - is something I am not yet ready to do!
Thanks for checking out Viva. We make comedy skits mostly centered around video games. So you may enjoy it, knowing your nerdy video game history (I'm seriously jealous you got to meet the id software guys and have a Quake 1 box lol). But there's a bunch of stuff in there that's fairly specific and will go right over your head if you don't play the games. You can check out our series "Bored" which is set in a computer store and much more broad. If I can recommend one video, it'd be "Lick It". A personal fave, and filmed before Covid fyi haha.
But yes, it's most definitely a generational thing. I'm constantly having to describe what I do for a living, and while "actor" is perfectly reasonable, Youtube draws side eyes, and for people our age and older, Twitch is completely incomprehensible. And I don't blame them. It's super weird and unlike anything else that's come before.
I was always a pretty big Youtube watcher, but Twitch completely passed me by until one of the Viva guys started streaming. I streamed a little bit in 2018/19 but only started doing it seriously in 2020, during the first lockdown. I mostly stream art (I draw on an iPad and people watch me as I go), but I sometimes play games etc too. Or I just talk. And it's now my main income... and it's very, very weird.
I often say it's like I've got some strange, advanced Augmented Reality game available to me, where I can sit down at my computer and start up this program that feeds me positive comments. I just start streaming and then I'm having a real time conversation with people from literally all over the world. One of my biggest supporters is a Polish rock star, for example. But of course, these are all just names on a screen to me. I'm sitting, alone, in my office, ranting at my computer, and people deposit money in my PayPal for it.
It's. So. Fucking. Weird.
And it's made me confront something I didn't quite anticipate... what to do when you're living your dream life.
I'm often reminded of a quote from Jim Carrey (paraphrasing); "I wish everyone in the world could achieve their wildest dreams... so they'd find out it doesn't matter." And while I don't think quite so extremely - it does definitely matter, and I'm much, much happier these days than i was as a completely unemployed actor - but there is some real truth to it.
As an actor, there are many films and performances I idolise. Alfred Molina's small role in Boogie Nights for example. I've watched that scene I don't know how many times. I used to think about it a lot. "Man, how fuckin amazing would it be to be a film like that?!"
Well, now I've realised that while I'm sure he enjoyed it and benefited from it... it also would've just been one weekend's work, back in 1996 or something, and probably not actually a massive part of his life. It's entirely possible he hasn't thought about it in years. And the reason I think about this, is because I now have people thinking similarly of my work. I will have people come in to my Twitch chat and quote lines from one of our skits at me... and I won't even remember what skit they're talking about, because it was one of four I filmed one random afternoon three years ago. But to this person, it's like their favourite thing. They get more joy out of it than I do.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm eternally grateful and humbled to be able to live out my dream like this. My whole life has built to this moment. I've been a life long gamer, I've always been obsessed with sketch comedy (some of our fans refer to us as modern day Monty Python, and that tickles me in ways you can't even imagine), and now my Twitch "career" has led me to developing the artistic skills I've been slowly developing my whole life, and now I sell prints of my art, which hangs of fans walls all over the world.
It's literally my dream. I couldn't have scripted it better.
And yesterday I had a full depressive breakdown and had to cancel my streams because I just couldn't face it.
And that's a confronting thing to deal with. When I was in my mid twenties, an unemployed, anonymous actor, living in Auckland, doing theater for free, with no visible way out, it made sense to feel depressed. I would always look to the future and just think "If I could get some acting work, I'd be so much better. I'd be ok."
Nope.
Again, don't get me wrong. My success has definitely helped. I'm in a much better headspace than I used to be... but it's certainly not a fix. It's that classic thing of "money can't buy you happiness" and the same is true of success. But it's one thing to think that, it's a whole other thing to actually experience it.
Fuckin hell... I've gone off on a tangent again. My accidental novels in this comment section have made me realise that I think I might need my own newsletter to get this shit out of my brain haha, instead of just unleashed torrents of my thoughts in these poor comment sections.
But yeah, to summarise, it's been a hell of a journey, and it's given me a whole new outlook on the world, both online and offline.
Hey, Ben. You're so right that there are so many stresses that impact on successful Youtubers that often go unappreciated, both by people who don't consider Youtube or Twitch fame to be 'valid' and by those who are coming from a place of frustration and envy.
For a start, 'living your dream' can often trigger an existential crisis, which is deeply distressing but often intermixed with a sense of fraudulence. Shame and anger mixed together is one of the most painful human experiences - it's called 'agitated depression' and 'humiliated fury' in the psychotherapy literature.
There is also the parasocial nature of internet fame which is something we're not psychologically adapted to. As social primates, we wired to measure our status via the embodied gaze of others. So all those views and subscriptions mean we are being looked at - but in an embodied sense, it's just us sitting alone in a room with a camera and microphone. So it's both real and unreal at the same time and that conflict can do a number on you.
You need to read them and get feedback, both for validation and to improve, but a small proportion are going to be mired in envy, projection and trolling. Those can have an outsized impact and you can't 'unread' them.
We're (mostly) all wired to respond more to negative evaluations than positive evaluations since it represents a social survival threat.
The criticism, anxiety, and perfectionism this creates can lead them to *hate* their dream job, yet they've become financially dependent on it. Rock. Hard Place.
And some of your fans will be seeking solace from their own shame and frustration. Their comments can project their own feelings of 'agitated depression' or 'humiliated fury' which becomes envy at how they wish they had the life they imagine you have. And that projection hits home when it echoes your own inner struggle since you can identify with them.
This is a known psychological process called 'projective indentification'.
Psychologist Erin E Buckels has researched how the anonymity the internet provides has allowed sadistically organised individuals (and there are more than you would guess) to express that more than they could in real life. These are people often with strong *cognitive* empathy - so they can see your insecurities - but poor *emotional* empathy - so they enjoy cruelly targetting them.
I guess the bottom line is that all the Youtubers and Twitchers struggling with this (and it's an epidemic in the field) are not crazy but are having a normal (and painful) emotional reaction to an abnormal situation.
I really feel for you as the whole thing can be quite traumatic and very othering and what is needed is empathy and connection. Speaking professionally, whilst journalling and blog writing can be therapeutic - I'd recommend that connection be embodied and not more of the parasocial.
Wow. Paul. Thank you. This hit home exceptionally hard. It's honestly incredible how on-point and insightful this whole post is.
The existential crisis triggered by "living the dream" has been so unexpected and hard to deal with. And complaining about it makes me feel like the most ungrateful sack of shit on the planet. I often find myself venting to the other Viva guys, because they're the only people I know who really understand.
It's so bizarre to be in my mid-30s and not really have anywhere left to go. It's not like I'm insanely wealthy, or at the very top of my field, so there's still "more" I could earn or achieve, but I've already achieved more than I thought I would. I'm comfortable and happy with my success, so I could, in theory, just tread water for the rest of my life... and that's oddly terrifying. So, I keep pushing... but it's directionless in a strange way.
And then there's the parasocial thing. Which is a term I was looking in to for a while, but had forgotten it, so thank you for bringing it back to my attention again. I deal with this a LOT. My Twitch chat has become a place similar to Webworm in a sense. I've tried to foster a space of honesty and openness where no topic is off limits, which is unusual for Twitch. In any given stream the conversation may swing between gaming, art, science, philosophy, politics, health, culture... everything honestly. And it's very rewarding... but it's a lot to deal with. I'm constantly moderating pretty intense discussions, sometimes with a few hundred people participating at once.
The inherently personal nature of some of those discussions ends up creating some very strong parasocial interactions. And because so many of these people support me financially, I end up feeling indebted to them in a very real sense. Because I do rely on them. So I feel obligated to please them... but of course, I can't please everyone.
So like you say, I end up between a rock and a hard place.
And then there's the whole real, but very unreal, side of it. In the before times, the long long ago (aka pre-covid) I was very lucky to travel a bit and meet some fans at some events. I met people who were literally shaking to meet me. I played video games inside of a giant arena, and apparently there were over 30 million people watching me in China. It was fucking bananas.
But the vast majority of the time, I just do my thing, filming a bunch of stupid shit with my friends, put it online and... that's it. I see some numbers go up on a screen, and intellectually I know they represent real people, but it's incredibly hard to translate millions of digital views to my real life. I get lots of lovely messages on instagram... but none of them feel "real".
All of this is a lot, and I can usually handle it... but lockdown. Speaking of neurodiversity, this lockdown has highlighted to me just how many "symptoms" of ADD I exhibit haha. I know many other actors who are somewhere on the spectrum of ADD/ADHD and I'm pretty sure I'm another to add to the list.
I've suspected I might be for some time. I used to work as an actor in roleplays centered around ASD. It's a long story, but eventually I started regularly playing the character of a teenage boy with ADD. The audience for these roleplays were parents, caregivers etc, and I had many parents come up to me saying that my performance was uncannily similar to their child. I just took it as a compliment to my acting, while also acknowledging the character came exceptionally easy to me. I remember literally saying "I'm just basically being myself"... and yet, as absurd as it seems, I never put two and two together until years later when something triggered the thought and I finally realised "Wait... maybe I have ADD?"
For the past couple years it'd come up every so often, but I didn't think it was a "problem", so I just carried on as I was... until this lockdown.
Lockdown has made me realise that over the course of my life, I've developed a complex system of activities and behaviours to manage my "symptoms". Primarily, I've used art (acting and drawing primarily) and martial arts (jiu jitsu) as a way to force my distracted brain to get in the flow state, which is like heaven for me. This lockdown forced me to quit a bunch of that stuff cold turkey. And it literally feels like I've gone off some meds.
I'd slowly built my mental health support structures up over years, with the benefits compounding, and having it stripped away, essentially all at once, has made me realise how much worse my mental health used to be. And how "normal" I thought it was. It's made me accept that my mental health was more of a "problem" than I'd been willing to admit... or able to admit because the system I'd use to deal with it was working remarkably well haha.
Anyway, once again, thank you so much Paul. Once lockdown is over (or we're in the traffic light system or whatever the hell is going on) I'm going to be looking in to finding someone to talk to about all this stuff in person to hopefully, finally, get some clarity on what the fuck is going on in the ol' brain of mine. It's time.
Kudos for the apology. Further proof that you’re the bee’s knees. It’s not easy admitting when you’re wrong or when you’ve done wrong.
I’ve walked away from social media. I still have my accounts, but I login maybe once a month to check to see if I have any messages.
I decided to do so because I noticed every time I was on social media, I felt low and I was comparing myself to others in a negative light. I looked through my old posts from and didn’t like what I saw. A lot of my posts were made to seem like my life was better than others.
Very toxic and it’s not how I feel normally.
So I deleted a bunch of snarky posts from social media and deleted the apps from my phone. It took a couple of weeks in which I felt kind of lonely, and then I got over it. Now I don’t have the FOMO or anxiety that I used to have. I do this thing called text messaging to keep up to date with friends instead of relying on social media to tell me what they’re up to. To keep up to date on events happening around me, I subscribe to newsletters from organizations that I follow.
If anyone is thinking of leaving social media, do it. You’ll have a weird withdrawal period, like one does with any addiction, but you’ll feel so much mellower in the long run and your relationships will improve.
Twitter because I wasn’t using it that much anyways. Then several months later I got rid of Facebook after hearing all the awful things that the company does to keep people addicted to using it. That app was the easiest to get rid of. After that I got rid of Instagram. Getting rid of that app caused some feelings of loneliness (which is what it’s designed to do to keep you addicted to using it) but I got over it after a bit.
Now I’ve replaced my social media addictions with reading the news incessantly, but I’ve always been a bit of a periodical junkie even before smart phones. Don’t know what reading the news all day does to my state of mind, but I feel better than I did when I was on social media. Maybe my next step will be to stop looking so much at screens.
Exactly! The amount of time that I stare at screens I could be doing something else, like reading things called books, cleaning out closets that I’ve been meaning to clean for years, or get some exercise. 🤦♀️
You’re so refreshing with your humility and willingness to apologise. AND you collect figures!! You just keep getting better and better :)
You have such a varied and neurodivergent fan base, i really wish other online platforms felt as awesome as webworm. And now I’m going to have to actively figure out how to get into the Dungeons and Dragons world because it sounds like somewhere I may in fact belong.
Thanks Jo! Haha yes, sometimes I am only reminded that not all share my love of figurines in my real life when I give tours of my favourite things. The puzzled looks on friends faces, or the the fake enthusiasm they have to show when I show them my favourite Pinhead characters and Alien figurines!
Pinhead AND Alien!! You can tell a lot by a person's figurines, these are epic choices. I was REALLY lucky growing up, I sometimes had access to some cool movie sets and am pretty proud to say Hellraiser was one of them. Pinhead made quite the impression on my 9 year old self. In fact I don't know why the fuck I don't have this figure!
My Dad would come home from 'work' with some pretty amazing stories about Clive Barker, and fascinating recounts of the processes for how they created some of the sequences, epic. Like I said, I was really lucky.
The prospect of the remake is really exciting, especially as it's David S Goyer and when does he disappoint !? Such an incredible writer. But I'm pretty lightweight these days with horror. Somewhere in the first decade of the 2000s I apparently became a wimp with graphic realism. Super excited to see how they will bring it up to date though but may have to watch from behind the couch.
I am so, so jealous right now. Oh man. Ooof. My Hellbound Heart aches!
And I too am becoming more of a coward. I feel you. But Hellraiser isn't jump scare territory - rather, cosmic gross horror - which I can very much still deal with!
You'd be most welcome. There is huge diversity within the hobby, lots of fun, quirky and queer folks. It's finding the right game(s) and right group for you.
Dungeons and Dragons is fantasy-themed conquest fun. Call of Cthulhu is horror-themed investigative fun.
Many of the awesome gamer's I've known and played with are neurodivergent, whether they knew it or not. I guess that why I fit right in too :-)
Thank you Paul :) I really appreciate your response, Im so overwhelmed by the sheer vastness of the D&D World. Horror-themed investigative fun sounds great, but I can be a bit of a wimp at times with some modern horror, are we talking scary or super scary? Maybe I should start with D&D fantasy themed ? Is there a book or a website I could start my journey ? do you think you could give me a starting point, no pressure at all ? :) Sorry, thats a lot of questions, I can't deny I got a bit over excited by the prospect of entering a fantasy world.
Yeah, the detail in all the published D&D worlds is pretty overwhelming but you don’t really need to know any of it to get started. It’s all a learn as you go thing where you are best to just ‘follow your bliss’ (as Joseph Campbell would say).
As for Call of Cthulhu (and horror gaming in general) as a game master, it’s an achievement and a huge compliment if I can make the players feel actual fear rather than just excitement. And you’re sitting with friends talking so it’s more a cosmic horror vibe rather than gory jump scare thing - more Hellraiser than Friday the 13th. But start with whatever is easiest. D&D and Fantasy are cool too. I’m more a sci-fi and horror fan so I loved the new Alien RPG which seeks to recreate the feel of the movies.
Lots of game stores in NZ and elsewhere (pre lockdown) hold open game nights where new players can come along and try it out with other new players. A great way to test the waters with no long term commitment and a way to try different games and groups of players and see who you ‘click’ with. Every group and game master has their own ‘feel’ and style, just like every therapist does.
Paul, thank you sooo much, I really appreciate your response and insight. I spent some time searching today and it became apparent rather quickly that where I am located in France isn't going to lend itself well to this venture for me personally. The one gentlemen I spoke with seemed a little put off by my terrible French skills, I don't blame him. Problem is the more put off he seemed the more nervous I got and the more my French deteriorated. Apparently my French 'fantasy' vocabulary had some major deficits so I didn't sell myself at all well. I think the likelihood of me finding an English speaking group here are about as likely as me finding actual Dungeons and or Dragons in this region so for now I am back to square one. However, your kindness and enthusiasm has cemented my desire to get into this, so it's just another reason added to my long list of why it's time to return to an English speaking land. In the meantime I will have to dive into some D&D fantasy based books and wait patiently for more Webworm content, trying to ignore the fact I am living in the wrong bloody country. Seriously Paul, I think you are awesome and I bet you are a bloody brilliant game master and a very cool therapist. Sending you much love from France :)
Oof - an English-native speaker trying to break into a French-speaking gaming scene. That's would be tricky for anyone.
More webworm content is not my department, but for your solo D&D project, I can recommend the D&D novels set in the Eberron campaign world. It has a noir fantasy clockpunk vibe which I'm guessing you might appreciate:
I don’t know how you guessed so accurately that noir fantasy is my bag, but I shall most definitely check this out. I’m impressed by your skills of assessment. Thank you very much.
Thanks for owning it DF and yes, like you, I was VERY happy to see DD's follow up email about getting vaxed and supporting it for all! I also saw a pic of Tame Iti doing the same - and if anyone has reason to mistrust government processes, he does. And there he was, getting jabbed. In among all the constant drivel of shite there are little pearls of hope - which keeps me sane I think. And also a FB user. I pick and choose what I click on now, being very aware of the click bait algorithms in action, and anything I DON'T like I query and block. It is changing my newsfeed, slowly but surely. I am not sure if that is why but it is good. PS: I totally like you to bits and I don't like people who send you shit emails like that. YGG.
Thank you for writing this piece, David. It takes a person of integrity to admit they’re wrong, and to genuinely apologize for the harm they’ve done with their words. You’ve done this eloquently and with empathy.
And you’re right about social media being a cesspool. I’ve considered deleting everything, but I’ve made some great friends on it. To me, walking away from social media would be like abandoning them. Instead, I’ve turned off my notifications and that’s helped a great deal.
That's a good point: I have NEVER had notifications on. Would drive me fucking crazy. The issue I need to solve next is doomscrolling when avoiding other things.
The only reason I haven't deleted my Facebook account is because of an amazing group I belong to that links me to my neighbors. I've also aggressively edited my Facebook friends list and curated my Newsfeed to local news, cooking channels, and cute animal videos. Other than that, I've also turned off all notifications and it's been so nice after that.
Thank you for your humility and your willingness to listen, and learn, and make good. I wasn't one of the affected communities this time and so my alarm bells didn't ring - which is a thing for myself to reflect on in light of the responses you got. Thank you for sharing and publishing them.
Your integrity shows through here in the best way - you screwed up in an emotive post, you listened to what people had to say, you publicly uplifted their voices and apologised unreservedly. Thank you. It means to me that when things inevitably go wrong, you're a safe person to pull up and speak to honestly, that's precious.
Thank you David. Thank you for being receptive to reasonable ideas and other perspectives to the point that you've allowed them to inform your own perspective. That's a rare thing in general and even rarer given what a cesspool social media has become. I'm constantly disappointed by the fact that we punish people so severely for making a mistake, that so few people (particularly public figures) will ever face up to being wrong about something. It's always about doubling down and spinning something to make it look like you meant to do it; so I suppose it's no wonder that misinformation is so rampant.
There are a lot of folks in the NZ LARPing community and in adjacent communities (including tabletop roleplaying games and improv enthusiasts) who have been very appreciative to read this (though they're not webworm subscribers so they can't say as much here). Like every hobby that exists, what we do is a little weird from the outside. But we're all just looking for a little bit of escapism, good company, to feel safe, to feel valued and to find a creative outlet to give our lives some extra joy and colour. Things that we can be passionate about to take our minds off of the hardships of trying to make it through what are ultimately, some pretty tough times.
When events of the world take terrifying turns, we turn to our friends, to our family and to the communities that we have built to reassure us and to get us through. Although nothing makes me angrier than hearing harmful conspiracy theories parroted around, I also feel deeply sorry for all the lonely and isolated people that haven't found themselves with adequate support structures to provide them with the reassurance they need to not be sucked in by misinformation.
Thanks, Nick - that means a lot. I got some really lovely messages from LARPers which was great. Very chuffed, and will one day try it myself thanks to many kind offers!
I deactivated my Facebook account for a week very recently. I enjoyed the clarity for a bit but found myself evaluating what I got out of Facebook and getting really angry.
This is my second attempt at a Facebook. I deleted my original one a few years ago and happily lived life as a Facebook-less pariah for a year. The thing I hated most was that I constantly had to tell people that I wasn't on Facebook which seemed self-important and twattish but was really to let them know I couldn't communicate on there (my kids' kindy communicated exclusively via Facebook group for example).
I started a new Facebook when I moved to a region where I knew no one. I was ruthless in how I curated it. No news sites, no vague acquaintances, I don't "like" a single page, I figured out a way to manipulate the algorithm and completely avoid ads (not a single one). My feed is groups that contribute positively to my life and people I know.
It was the people I know who were the problem. Friends and family that I love irl but were increasingly affecting my mental health by subjecting me to information I know to be false and driven by bad actors. It was also crushingly clear that they were expressly or implicitly ignoring the voices of people like me who are immunocompromised and willing to sacrifice us for their individual "freedom".
How dare the people I actually know take the space I go to connect with people I don't know with the same niche interests, neurodiversity, and health issues as me away from me! These spaces are incredibly important to me and have made my life infinitely richer. So I came back to Facebook and I deleted, or hid absolutely anyone who upset me. If it's "just Facebook" as they always cry when I push back at hurtful things they post surely they won't mind right? Right? 😕
It's pretty much just persistent obstinance. I removed myself from all ad categories and every time I saw an ad I'd flag it as irrelevant (Facebook wants to show you relevant things to keep you on) and block ads from that advertiser. It takes quite a bit of time and effort but eventually the ads stop. I am very obstinate 😅
I'm only on Twitter and youTube so I've done that same method on Twitter. I was getting ads frequently and I persisted in blocked them all and they rarely appear with new ones. I was also offered a spot on my brother-in-laws youTube premium account(you can have 5 accounts attached) and it's gloriously ad free(except for the unavoidable painful political ads forced upon us anyway).
Ugh I was loving your story until the bit where your actual whanau were leading you down the path of Facebook badness! Argh. That sucks. Facebook being Facebook, eh.
In my experience, LARPers are a pretty wholesome group of folks. It was a nice peice on them.
As an American, I've spent my whole life hearing, "Give me liberty or give me death", "A man who trades liberty for safety deserves neither", "Don't tread on me", etc. And perhaps it comes from having a US-centric viewpoint, but it's surprising to me to hear that other places have people putting Freedom on a pedestal in that same way, defining it as "I should be able to do anything I want, without any inconvenience, reflection, or personal responsibility" (note, I am not against freedom, I just think it's being used as a buzzword platitude to incense the right. Whatever happened to, "With great power comes great responsibility?" Freedom is a kind of power. These people want freedom absent any responsibility.)
That always felt like a deeply American way of thinking. And of course, many of the people who have taken up that position with regards to masks and vaccines have no problem trying to restrict the freedoms of those whose lifestyles they disagree with.
That supreme focus on individual freedom is indeed strong in the US, and is arguably partly a product of history as a colony throwing off the yoke of English rule. Libertarianism https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Libertarianism as a philosophy is sometimes distilled down to a famous quote attributed to English political philosopher John Stuart Mill: “My right to swing my fist ends where your nose begins.”
If we briefly ignore the undertones of sexist pugilism, the sense that personal and boldly autonomy extends to our physical boundary is inherent and central.
The founders of classical libertarianism formulated this in the late 1700s and early 1800s, although the ideas underpinning it are much older. The important part is that this philosophy’s zenith dates from *before* the development of the germ theory of disease which was in the mid 1800s. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Germ_theory_of_disease
Prior to this, disease was often attributed to bad air and miasmas. The idea that harm can extend to others invisibly from my body by viruses or bacteria (i.e. aerosol transmission) is something libertarianism does not really comprehend.
Libertarians tend to assume if they aren’t swinging their first and hitting your nose, they are not risking harm to anyone else, and you limiting their ability for bodily autonomy to manage aerosol transmission is viewed as an unreasonable restriction on their bodily liberty.
Penn Jillette has spoken about being a libertarian (i.e. someone who views asking ‘can we create more freedom’ as usually good) who also recognises that as a philosophy, it needs tempering to make sense in a post 18th century world. I wish there were more self-reflective libertarians like him rather than those who dogmatically cling to 18th century positions.
I was registered as a libertarian for many years (I am now an independent, but I mostly vote blue), for exactly the kind of reasoning you've proposed here.
The personal responsibility part is very important to me, it's why I'm vaccinated and wear a mask even though I'm not at great risk as an otherwise healthy 32 year old.
If anything, my history of identifying that way only makes me more angry with these people hahaha.
Might I add, many of the first English settlers to North America (aka the Pilgrims) fled England to avoid religious persecution. Thus they were "championing religious freedom", to add to the "America was built by freedom lovers" mythos.
Yes, it's true that the Puritans were trying to escape religious persecution in England, but they were decidedly *not* in favour of religious freedom and were very critical (and later persecutory) of others when they got the chance which is partly what made them so unpopular.
The first amendment 'freedom of religion' enactment was partly an attempt to rein in the religious intolerance that the Puritans represented since they felt the state should enforce 'proper' religious devotion. They were firmly in favour of theocracy.
“Whatever happened to, "With great power comes great responsibility?" Freedom is a kind of power. These people want freedom absent any responsibility.)“ This is spot on, Rose. And so is your final point about people having problems with vaccine and mask mandates and yet promoting harmful and devastating restrictive measures. My mind drifts to those who are anti-vaccination and anti-mask yet promote things like conversion therapy.
If it is any comfort to LARPers, when I read the original piece I took it as a way of describing the fantasy role play element of the *cough* court alone and not reflecting the lunacy of the anti-vaxxers back on to LARPers. I know a couple of LARPers and they are really lovely people. We all do things which help us escape the hamster wheel and find meaning, LARP is no different.
Yeah - it's mad huh. Like - repugnant. Thought it was very bold for his mum and sis to take part: genuinely those people are scary and sink to some super low levels.
This is a really great piece. Thanks David for being so honest! I’ve been kind of out of the loop with Webworm so it’s nice to get caught up.
I had the impulse a few weeks ago to deactivate my Facebook (with the exception of messenger) for a week which was a good call. Too much bs as I scrolled through my feed and from people I consider intelligent which is frustrating to say the least. I’m glad I deactivated it, even just for a short time since I reactivated my account it for school related reasons.
Also, LARPing sounds like a really cool hobby and something I wish I’d gotten into earlier in my youth! I was allowed to do theatre but not LARPing given its association with D&D which was prohibited in my conservative evangelical Christian household growing up. It sounds like so much fun though, especially from this person’s perspective. World-building is such a cool concept - better yet when you can imagine your own worlds in a likeminded and safe community. I feel as though the vision of building a better world for everyone gets hazier as more misinformation is spread. Isn’t this what we all want for each other?
We're having a sort of realization in the NZ LARP community that we might have people starting to take interest in the hobby on the basis of having core ideals that promote safety within the community. I never thought that could be used as a marketing angle, but we're living in weird times apparently. It is a lot of fun; I've always said that it's for anyone who has ever seen a movie or read a book and just felt like they wish they could be in a given character's shoes for a moment and live that life instead. It's also a really good way of building close friends in a shorter than normal period of time. You're often playing out scenes of heightened drama and that emotional memory sticks with you long after the specifics of what you were doing.
Honestly, age shouldn't be a barrier (I know that it can be, there are a lot of things about society which are incredibly ageist), so it's probably worth giving it a go if it sounds like it could be fun to you.
I love the sound of this! And as a filmmaker and writer, I’m continually thinking of new worlds to create and characters to inhabit and explore. No wonder I wanted to be an actor when I was younger … but unfortunately it seemed like all of a sudden I was struck with intense stage fright and camera shyness!
I’m hoping that I can go out and meet some LARPers in my community once more people get vaccinated and socializing with strangers in larger numbers becomes safer…
That sounds a lot like my experience. I always thought I might be an actor while studying theatre but my self-confidence was in the toilet so I never really believed it would go anywhere. LARPing definitely helped build up my self-confidence and despite my intense social anxiety, I'm now much more confident speaking to crowds of people then I am one on one.
I'm also looking forward to the day where out vaccination rates and public health measures get to a point where we can get back into the hobby in a safe way. I really hope that you get to have that chance for yourself one day!
Thanks Nick! Fingers crossed we can resume these activities safely soon! And fingers crossed I can build up self confidence to at give acting at least one more shot. I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently and how much I enjoyed it when the confidence was there.
Gaming is great fun, and adults don't get to *play* enough in my opinion. The intimacy you can build from risking being playful with others is truly heartwarming.
And Nick is right that it can also function as an emotional dress-rehearsal for real life, so it's potential to be personally therapeutic is not to be sniffed at.
I liked you and now I like you more 🤗
*HUGS*
Came here to say the same thing!
YES
Me too 😍
Great as always and I'm sure the LARP community appreciates it.
I quit Facebook some time ago and left Instagram a few weeks ago and put simply, I'm happier for it. I had this fear that I'd miss out on something that didn't happen.
In fact, it's good to get away from the endless stream of bullshit fed to me by an algorithm designed to either force me to engage or make me feel bad because my life isn't some idyllic dream. It's full of anxiety, imperfections and that's what life is, along with the special moments that combine to define us.
One other small note - do you think the people like Dobbyn who say neo-Marxism ever read Das Kapital or have a shred of knowledge regarding what Marxism-Leninism actually is? They'd be surprised to learn about what genuine social democracy is and the problems that neoliberalism is causing and the fact that neo-Marxism today is mostly a buzzword to get people going more than anything else.
5:43am rant while lying in bed waking up done :D
Well, Neo-marxism https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neo-Marxism is at least a genuine philosophical position in contrast to 'Cultural Marxism' which is an anti-semitic right-wing bogeyman https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cultural_Marxism_conspiracy_theory
But your point that many people who use those terms are just using them as straw-person buzz-words for 'that political position I don't like' without much of an attempt at understanding them is sadly accurate.
All of us are like that to an extent since Confirmation bias tends to make us pay more attention to information which supports our views (especially political ones) and less to information that doesn't.
We can work at overcoming that bias - but it is intellectual (and emotional) labour.
Very true re: philosophical position, the fact I was half asleep was showing :P.
You aren't wrong about the effort to correct biases, I try to keep myself honest about that stuff and my GOD is it difficult to do. I usually try to find multiple sources to inform myself and the effort required to find legitimate ones these days is so immense that the task itself feels insurmountable depending on how mentally strong I am on a given day.
Waldo, the fact that you even try is a truly noble thing. RESPECT!
Loved this respectful conversation folks. On the subject of culture/economics I was watching this https://youtu.be/AUxKhAGexpA and was blown away by their simple concept of how to fix the mess we are in on a global, national and local scale. Of course it's on RT and on principle many people automatically ignore their content but the show Renegade Inc(by a British economist) is a hidden gem.
Yet again, another good read. Thanks David. Interestingly I also recently deactivated all my social media accounts - something which I never thought I would do. I had reached a point where I could no longer deal with the utter rubbish spewing from various friends and "news" outlets. How had my life taken a path where I would spend all my spare moments scrolling through (largely) advertising, covid misinformation and the odd photograph of a friend doing something enjoyable in their weekend. I realised I was wasting my life so I switched off. And three days later I am a lighter, happier person. I read a book if I am after some downtime and if I want to catch up with a friend and hear what they have been up to I contact them directly! I feel ridiculous as I write this, how I got so sucked into the social media hole and marinated there for so many years.
Respect for doing it. There is hope!
I got out of Facebook several years ago, because I was seeing posts by someone I loved that broke my heart so often, it was the only thing I could do to stop the pain. But I am so glad I did, for so many other reasons now :)
Me too. 2018 I took the #deletefacebook challenge and haven't looked back. I deleted messenger, instagram and reddit too. I attacked my data harvesting apps also, as many as I could live without, especially those that had a web alternative. The only ones I have kept are my Twitter and youTube accounts, but I use them mainly as news sources(as we don't watch free to air or cable television) and I'm incredibly selective of neutral arbiters.
We liked you and we still like you
Thanks you Mr Plague!
Once again. Thanks David.
This shit is so fucking exhausting. Just the constant stream of it. It never ends. Too much information. Too much controversy. Just... Too much.
The constant dueling of opinions, competing angles to a story, "facts" at odds with each other.
It's so hard to know what to believe these days. Webworm has become one of my safe spots online. There are a select few creators who I can "trust" with my time. People who provide clarity and manage to condense the madness in to palatable formats, whether it's a video, or an article, or a podcast.
The work you do helps.
So, once again. Thanks David.
Kia kaha.
Cheers, Ben. Glad you like this place. I always want to keep it safe, and sane.
Also - I don't know this person, and I don't really follow YouTubers - but this was a great video I thought, about why this guy is quitting making videos. My friend Dylan brought it to my attention: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DVCpKfedfok
Yeah, I've watched that video already because... Drum roll please... I'm also a YouTuber!
I'm an actor/writer/director with Viva La Dirt League if anyone is interested. I also stream on Twitch. And because of that, my life is very odd. And I am VERY aware of the pressures and absurdities of online life.
I connected with that William Osman video a lot. He actually really reminds me of one of the main Viva guys, who's just recently been diagnosed as clinically obsessive. He similarly could never let bad comments go, despite the fact it like to dislike ratio is always literally 99%.
I used to struggle with it (I still remember comments from some of the first videos I did with them; "I dunno who this new guy is, but he can't act. Get rid of him"), but similarly to one of the guys in the video, I've had such amazing experiences, and our community is so bizarrely positive, that I'm now able to largely "ignore" the bad comments. Well, I don't ignore them, but I have learned to read the comments generally, and not focus on any specific one. I take them in aggregate. Because like the YouTubers in the video said, its always 99% positive and I find it incredibly important to remember that.
I think my experience of being a C list Internet celebrity is also the reason for my constant efforts to remain empathetic online and to remember there are people behind the personality and/or comments. I'm hardly sorry famous, but I already have people who view me as some unattainable ideal of a human and that is fucking weird, to say the least. It's made me look at celebrities I used to idolise very differently. I've also had people make massive assumptions about me that were so, so wrong. And I see the same thing happen to other celebrities, actual celebrities, all the time.
For example, I had someone in my twitch chat the other day talk about how they're no longer a fan of Robert Pattinson because he's a domestic abuser. People in my chat started saying "oh that's disappointing" and "fuck that guy". But then I looked it up and it turns out someone had just misread an article (or only read a poorly worded headline). Turns out an ex of his is a domestic abuse victim... But from someone else, not ol Rob.
And yet, someone anonymous online, spread completely unsubstantiated rumours about him. And if I hadn't done some small fact checking, there were plenty of other people in there ready and willing to believe it.
But no one cares, because he's a rich celebrity, so they assume he's impervious to it. Just completely dehumanised him.
... I don't even know where I'm going with this. Just venting? I dunno.
I guess all I'm saying is that the Internet is a fucking strange place and it's only getting stranger. And as someone who's entire life is inextricably linked to the Internet, I don't quite know what to do about that.
Ben - thanks so much for this honesty. And insight. YouTube and Twitch are just worlds that passed me by - partly by choice, but also the fact I'm probably too old by the time I took any notice haha. This perspective is really interesting and I am sure it attracts a certain type of person. And you - perhaps - are not one of them, and can cope with the weirdness it throws at you, because you can keep perspective. So many can't. I will go have a look at your channel. Twitch - while I have the app - is something I am not yet ready to do!
Thanks for checking out Viva. We make comedy skits mostly centered around video games. So you may enjoy it, knowing your nerdy video game history (I'm seriously jealous you got to meet the id software guys and have a Quake 1 box lol). But there's a bunch of stuff in there that's fairly specific and will go right over your head if you don't play the games. You can check out our series "Bored" which is set in a computer store and much more broad. If I can recommend one video, it'd be "Lick It". A personal fave, and filmed before Covid fyi haha.
But yes, it's most definitely a generational thing. I'm constantly having to describe what I do for a living, and while "actor" is perfectly reasonable, Youtube draws side eyes, and for people our age and older, Twitch is completely incomprehensible. And I don't blame them. It's super weird and unlike anything else that's come before.
I was always a pretty big Youtube watcher, but Twitch completely passed me by until one of the Viva guys started streaming. I streamed a little bit in 2018/19 but only started doing it seriously in 2020, during the first lockdown. I mostly stream art (I draw on an iPad and people watch me as I go), but I sometimes play games etc too. Or I just talk. And it's now my main income... and it's very, very weird.
I often say it's like I've got some strange, advanced Augmented Reality game available to me, where I can sit down at my computer and start up this program that feeds me positive comments. I just start streaming and then I'm having a real time conversation with people from literally all over the world. One of my biggest supporters is a Polish rock star, for example. But of course, these are all just names on a screen to me. I'm sitting, alone, in my office, ranting at my computer, and people deposit money in my PayPal for it.
It's. So. Fucking. Weird.
And it's made me confront something I didn't quite anticipate... what to do when you're living your dream life.
I'm often reminded of a quote from Jim Carrey (paraphrasing); "I wish everyone in the world could achieve their wildest dreams... so they'd find out it doesn't matter." And while I don't think quite so extremely - it does definitely matter, and I'm much, much happier these days than i was as a completely unemployed actor - but there is some real truth to it.
As an actor, there are many films and performances I idolise. Alfred Molina's small role in Boogie Nights for example. I've watched that scene I don't know how many times. I used to think about it a lot. "Man, how fuckin amazing would it be to be a film like that?!"
Well, now I've realised that while I'm sure he enjoyed it and benefited from it... it also would've just been one weekend's work, back in 1996 or something, and probably not actually a massive part of his life. It's entirely possible he hasn't thought about it in years. And the reason I think about this, is because I now have people thinking similarly of my work. I will have people come in to my Twitch chat and quote lines from one of our skits at me... and I won't even remember what skit they're talking about, because it was one of four I filmed one random afternoon three years ago. But to this person, it's like their favourite thing. They get more joy out of it than I do.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm eternally grateful and humbled to be able to live out my dream like this. My whole life has built to this moment. I've been a life long gamer, I've always been obsessed with sketch comedy (some of our fans refer to us as modern day Monty Python, and that tickles me in ways you can't even imagine), and now my Twitch "career" has led me to developing the artistic skills I've been slowly developing my whole life, and now I sell prints of my art, which hangs of fans walls all over the world.
It's literally my dream. I couldn't have scripted it better.
And yesterday I had a full depressive breakdown and had to cancel my streams because I just couldn't face it.
And that's a confronting thing to deal with. When I was in my mid twenties, an unemployed, anonymous actor, living in Auckland, doing theater for free, with no visible way out, it made sense to feel depressed. I would always look to the future and just think "If I could get some acting work, I'd be so much better. I'd be ok."
Nope.
Again, don't get me wrong. My success has definitely helped. I'm in a much better headspace than I used to be... but it's certainly not a fix. It's that classic thing of "money can't buy you happiness" and the same is true of success. But it's one thing to think that, it's a whole other thing to actually experience it.
Fuckin hell... I've gone off on a tangent again. My accidental novels in this comment section have made me realise that I think I might need my own newsletter to get this shit out of my brain haha, instead of just unleashed torrents of my thoughts in these poor comment sections.
But yeah, to summarise, it's been a hell of a journey, and it's given me a whole new outlook on the world, both online and offline.
Hey, Ben. You're so right that there are so many stresses that impact on successful Youtubers that often go unappreciated, both by people who don't consider Youtube or Twitch fame to be 'valid' and by those who are coming from a place of frustration and envy.
For a start, 'living your dream' can often trigger an existential crisis, which is deeply distressing but often intermixed with a sense of fraudulence. Shame and anger mixed together is one of the most painful human experiences - it's called 'agitated depression' and 'humiliated fury' in the psychotherapy literature.
There is also the parasocial nature of internet fame which is something we're not psychologically adapted to. As social primates, we wired to measure our status via the embodied gaze of others. So all those views and subscriptions mean we are being looked at - but in an embodied sense, it's just us sitting alone in a room with a camera and microphone. So it's both real and unreal at the same time and that conflict can do a number on you.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parasocial_interaction
And then the comments are a whole other issue.
You need to read them and get feedback, both for validation and to improve, but a small proportion are going to be mired in envy, projection and trolling. Those can have an outsized impact and you can't 'unread' them.
We're (mostly) all wired to respond more to negative evaluations than positive evaluations since it represents a social survival threat.
But on top of that, from my perspective, it seems that many of the people attracted to Youtube and Twitch as hobbies which become careers are neurodiverse (and may not know it) and that might explain the heightened rejection sensitivity they experience. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/more-than-thin-skinned-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-1130197
The criticism, anxiety, and perfectionism this creates can lead them to *hate* their dream job, yet they've become financially dependent on it. Rock. Hard Place.
And some of your fans will be seeking solace from their own shame and frustration. Their comments can project their own feelings of 'agitated depression' or 'humiliated fury' which becomes envy at how they wish they had the life they imagine you have. And that projection hits home when it echoes your own inner struggle since you can identify with them.
This is a known psychological process called 'projective indentification'.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Projective_identification
And then there are the trolls.
Psychologist Erin E Buckels has researched how the anonymity the internet provides has allowed sadistically organised individuals (and there are more than you would guess) to express that more than they could in real life. These are people often with strong *cognitive* empathy - so they can see your insecurities - but poor *emotional* empathy - so they enjoy cruelly targetting them.
https://scottbarrykaufman.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/trolls-just-want-to-have-fun.pdf
I guess the bottom line is that all the Youtubers and Twitchers struggling with this (and it's an epidemic in the field) are not crazy but are having a normal (and painful) emotional reaction to an abnormal situation.
I really feel for you as the whole thing can be quite traumatic and very othering and what is needed is empathy and connection. Speaking professionally, whilst journalling and blog writing can be therapeutic - I'd recommend that connection be embodied and not more of the parasocial.
Wow. Paul. Thank you. This hit home exceptionally hard. It's honestly incredible how on-point and insightful this whole post is.
The existential crisis triggered by "living the dream" has been so unexpected and hard to deal with. And complaining about it makes me feel like the most ungrateful sack of shit on the planet. I often find myself venting to the other Viva guys, because they're the only people I know who really understand.
It's so bizarre to be in my mid-30s and not really have anywhere left to go. It's not like I'm insanely wealthy, or at the very top of my field, so there's still "more" I could earn or achieve, but I've already achieved more than I thought I would. I'm comfortable and happy with my success, so I could, in theory, just tread water for the rest of my life... and that's oddly terrifying. So, I keep pushing... but it's directionless in a strange way.
And then there's the parasocial thing. Which is a term I was looking in to for a while, but had forgotten it, so thank you for bringing it back to my attention again. I deal with this a LOT. My Twitch chat has become a place similar to Webworm in a sense. I've tried to foster a space of honesty and openness where no topic is off limits, which is unusual for Twitch. In any given stream the conversation may swing between gaming, art, science, philosophy, politics, health, culture... everything honestly. And it's very rewarding... but it's a lot to deal with. I'm constantly moderating pretty intense discussions, sometimes with a few hundred people participating at once.
The inherently personal nature of some of those discussions ends up creating some very strong parasocial interactions. And because so many of these people support me financially, I end up feeling indebted to them in a very real sense. Because I do rely on them. So I feel obligated to please them... but of course, I can't please everyone.
So like you say, I end up between a rock and a hard place.
And then there's the whole real, but very unreal, side of it. In the before times, the long long ago (aka pre-covid) I was very lucky to travel a bit and meet some fans at some events. I met people who were literally shaking to meet me. I played video games inside of a giant arena, and apparently there were over 30 million people watching me in China. It was fucking bananas.
But the vast majority of the time, I just do my thing, filming a bunch of stupid shit with my friends, put it online and... that's it. I see some numbers go up on a screen, and intellectually I know they represent real people, but it's incredibly hard to translate millions of digital views to my real life. I get lots of lovely messages on instagram... but none of them feel "real".
All of this is a lot, and I can usually handle it... but lockdown. Speaking of neurodiversity, this lockdown has highlighted to me just how many "symptoms" of ADD I exhibit haha. I know many other actors who are somewhere on the spectrum of ADD/ADHD and I'm pretty sure I'm another to add to the list.
I've suspected I might be for some time. I used to work as an actor in roleplays centered around ASD. It's a long story, but eventually I started regularly playing the character of a teenage boy with ADD. The audience for these roleplays were parents, caregivers etc, and I had many parents come up to me saying that my performance was uncannily similar to their child. I just took it as a compliment to my acting, while also acknowledging the character came exceptionally easy to me. I remember literally saying "I'm just basically being myself"... and yet, as absurd as it seems, I never put two and two together until years later when something triggered the thought and I finally realised "Wait... maybe I have ADD?"
For the past couple years it'd come up every so often, but I didn't think it was a "problem", so I just carried on as I was... until this lockdown.
Lockdown has made me realise that over the course of my life, I've developed a complex system of activities and behaviours to manage my "symptoms". Primarily, I've used art (acting and drawing primarily) and martial arts (jiu jitsu) as a way to force my distracted brain to get in the flow state, which is like heaven for me. This lockdown forced me to quit a bunch of that stuff cold turkey. And it literally feels like I've gone off some meds.
I'd slowly built my mental health support structures up over years, with the benefits compounding, and having it stripped away, essentially all at once, has made me realise how much worse my mental health used to be. And how "normal" I thought it was. It's made me accept that my mental health was more of a "problem" than I'd been willing to admit... or able to admit because the system I'd use to deal with it was working remarkably well haha.
Anyway, once again, thank you so much Paul. Once lockdown is over (or we're in the traffic light system or whatever the hell is going on) I'm going to be looking in to finding someone to talk to about all this stuff in person to hopefully, finally, get some clarity on what the fuck is going on in the ol' brain of mine. It's time.
'Relatability will bring success and success will kill your relatability'. Oof. I'm keeping this one
Same.
Kudos for the apology. Further proof that you’re the bee’s knees. It’s not easy admitting when you’re wrong or when you’ve done wrong.
I’ve walked away from social media. I still have my accounts, but I login maybe once a month to check to see if I have any messages.
I decided to do so because I noticed every time I was on social media, I felt low and I was comparing myself to others in a negative light. I looked through my old posts from and didn’t like what I saw. A lot of my posts were made to seem like my life was better than others.
Very toxic and it’s not how I feel normally.
So I deleted a bunch of snarky posts from social media and deleted the apps from my phone. It took a couple of weeks in which I felt kind of lonely, and then I got over it. Now I don’t have the FOMO or anxiety that I used to have. I do this thing called text messaging to keep up to date with friends instead of relying on social media to tell me what they’re up to. To keep up to date on events happening around me, I subscribe to newsletters from organizations that I follow.
If anyone is thinking of leaving social media, do it. You’ll have a weird withdrawal period, like one does with any addiction, but you’ll feel so much mellower in the long run and your relationships will improve.
What app did you start with? All at once, or one by one? (PS - congrats!)
Twitter because I wasn’t using it that much anyways. Then several months later I got rid of Facebook after hearing all the awful things that the company does to keep people addicted to using it. That app was the easiest to get rid of. After that I got rid of Instagram. Getting rid of that app caused some feelings of loneliness (which is what it’s designed to do to keep you addicted to using it) but I got over it after a bit.
Now I’ve replaced my social media addictions with reading the news incessantly, but I’ve always been a bit of a periodical junkie even before smart phones. Don’t know what reading the news all day does to my state of mind, but I feel better than I did when I was on social media. Maybe my next step will be to stop looking so much at screens.
I am amazed that we humans have these amazing bodies but so much of them are just spent sitting staring at a screen! (PS - thanks for the tips!)
Exactly! The amount of time that I stare at screens I could be doing something else, like reading things called books, cleaning out closets that I’ve been meaning to clean for years, or get some exercise. 🤦♀️
You’re so refreshing with your humility and willingness to apologise. AND you collect figures!! You just keep getting better and better :)
You have such a varied and neurodivergent fan base, i really wish other online platforms felt as awesome as webworm. And now I’m going to have to actively figure out how to get into the Dungeons and Dragons world because it sounds like somewhere I may in fact belong.
Thanks Jo! Haha yes, sometimes I am only reminded that not all share my love of figurines in my real life when I give tours of my favourite things. The puzzled looks on friends faces, or the the fake enthusiasm they have to show when I show them my favourite Pinhead characters and Alien figurines!
Pinhead AND Alien!! You can tell a lot by a person's figurines, these are epic choices. I was REALLY lucky growing up, I sometimes had access to some cool movie sets and am pretty proud to say Hellraiser was one of them. Pinhead made quite the impression on my 9 year old self. In fact I don't know why the fuck I don't have this figure!
WHAT! OMG. Too lucky. I love that film - and imagine the physical sets were pretty great too.
I am excited for the new HELLRAISER, too!
My Dad would come home from 'work' with some pretty amazing stories about Clive Barker, and fascinating recounts of the processes for how they created some of the sequences, epic. Like I said, I was really lucky.
The prospect of the remake is really exciting, especially as it's David S Goyer and when does he disappoint !? Such an incredible writer. But I'm pretty lightweight these days with horror. Somewhere in the first decade of the 2000s I apparently became a wimp with graphic realism. Super excited to see how they will bring it up to date though but may have to watch from behind the couch.
I am so, so jealous right now. Oh man. Ooof. My Hellbound Heart aches!
And I too am becoming more of a coward. I feel you. But Hellraiser isn't jump scare territory - rather, cosmic gross horror - which I can very much still deal with!
this is a very, very valid point!
You'd be most welcome. There is huge diversity within the hobby, lots of fun, quirky and queer folks. It's finding the right game(s) and right group for you.
Dungeons and Dragons is fantasy-themed conquest fun. Call of Cthulhu is horror-themed investigative fun.
Many of the awesome gamer's I've known and played with are neurodivergent, whether they knew it or not. I guess that why I fit right in too :-)
Thank you Paul :) I really appreciate your response, Im so overwhelmed by the sheer vastness of the D&D World. Horror-themed investigative fun sounds great, but I can be a bit of a wimp at times with some modern horror, are we talking scary or super scary? Maybe I should start with D&D fantasy themed ? Is there a book or a website I could start my journey ? do you think you could give me a starting point, no pressure at all ? :) Sorry, thats a lot of questions, I can't deny I got a bit over excited by the prospect of entering a fantasy world.
Yeah, the detail in all the published D&D worlds is pretty overwhelming but you don’t really need to know any of it to get started. It’s all a learn as you go thing where you are best to just ‘follow your bliss’ (as Joseph Campbell would say).
As for Call of Cthulhu (and horror gaming in general) as a game master, it’s an achievement and a huge compliment if I can make the players feel actual fear rather than just excitement. And you’re sitting with friends talking so it’s more a cosmic horror vibe rather than gory jump scare thing - more Hellraiser than Friday the 13th. But start with whatever is easiest. D&D and Fantasy are cool too. I’m more a sci-fi and horror fan so I loved the new Alien RPG which seeks to recreate the feel of the movies.
Lots of game stores in NZ and elsewhere (pre lockdown) hold open game nights where new players can come along and try it out with other new players. A great way to test the waters with no long term commitment and a way to try different games and groups of players and see who you ‘click’ with. Every group and game master has their own ‘feel’ and style, just like every therapist does.
Love that your full pure nerd is truly showing itself, Paul!
Yep, psychotherapist, science and gaming geek - not necessarily in that order. ;-0
Paul, thank you sooo much, I really appreciate your response and insight. I spent some time searching today and it became apparent rather quickly that where I am located in France isn't going to lend itself well to this venture for me personally. The one gentlemen I spoke with seemed a little put off by my terrible French skills, I don't blame him. Problem is the more put off he seemed the more nervous I got and the more my French deteriorated. Apparently my French 'fantasy' vocabulary had some major deficits so I didn't sell myself at all well. I think the likelihood of me finding an English speaking group here are about as likely as me finding actual Dungeons and or Dragons in this region so for now I am back to square one. However, your kindness and enthusiasm has cemented my desire to get into this, so it's just another reason added to my long list of why it's time to return to an English speaking land. In the meantime I will have to dive into some D&D fantasy based books and wait patiently for more Webworm content, trying to ignore the fact I am living in the wrong bloody country. Seriously Paul, I think you are awesome and I bet you are a bloody brilliant game master and a very cool therapist. Sending you much love from France :)
Oof - an English-native speaker trying to break into a French-speaking gaming scene. That's would be tricky for anyone.
More webworm content is not my department, but for your solo D&D project, I can recommend the D&D novels set in the Eberron campaign world. It has a noir fantasy clockpunk vibe which I'm guessing you might appreciate:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eberron_novels
And solo RPG play is something you could explore, if only to feel a bit more relaxed when the chance for group play does emerge:
https://www.dicebreaker.com/categories/roleplaying-game/how-to/how-to-play-tabletop-rpgs-by-yourself
https://www.chaosium.com/solo-call-of-cthulhu/
I don’t know how you guessed so accurately that noir fantasy is my bag, but I shall most definitely check this out. I’m impressed by your skills of assessment. Thank you very much.
Thanks for owning it DF and yes, like you, I was VERY happy to see DD's follow up email about getting vaxed and supporting it for all! I also saw a pic of Tame Iti doing the same - and if anyone has reason to mistrust government processes, he does. And there he was, getting jabbed. In among all the constant drivel of shite there are little pearls of hope - which keeps me sane I think. And also a FB user. I pick and choose what I click on now, being very aware of the click bait algorithms in action, and anything I DON'T like I query and block. It is changing my newsfeed, slowly but surely. I am not sure if that is why but it is good. PS: I totally like you to bits and I don't like people who send you shit emails like that. YGG.
Yeah, mad props to Tame Iti too - so good. Leadership!
Thank you for writing this piece, David. It takes a person of integrity to admit they’re wrong, and to genuinely apologize for the harm they’ve done with their words. You’ve done this eloquently and with empathy.
And you’re right about social media being a cesspool. I’ve considered deleting everything, but I’ve made some great friends on it. To me, walking away from social media would be like abandoning them. Instead, I’ve turned off my notifications and that’s helped a great deal.
That's a good point: I have NEVER had notifications on. Would drive me fucking crazy. The issue I need to solve next is doomscrolling when avoiding other things.
The only reason I haven't deleted my Facebook account is because of an amazing group I belong to that links me to my neighbors. I've also aggressively edited my Facebook friends list and curated my Newsfeed to local news, cooking channels, and cute animal videos. Other than that, I've also turned off all notifications and it's been so nice after that.
I did the same with my Reddit account - it's now just things I genuinely enjoy plus an embarrassingly large number of cat subreddits 😬😂
Ha! Same! My Reddit feed hits my three Cs: cats, crochet, and cooking.
Thank you for your humility and your willingness to listen, and learn, and make good. I wasn't one of the affected communities this time and so my alarm bells didn't ring - which is a thing for myself to reflect on in light of the responses you got. Thank you for sharing and publishing them.
Your integrity shows through here in the best way - you screwed up in an emotive post, you listened to what people had to say, you publicly uplifted their voices and apologised unreservedly. Thank you. It means to me that when things inevitably go wrong, you're a safe person to pull up and speak to honestly, that's precious.
Thanks Jay. Part of this newsletter format is that it allows me time to reflect and think - not everything has to be reactionary, and I love that.
Thank you David. Thank you for being receptive to reasonable ideas and other perspectives to the point that you've allowed them to inform your own perspective. That's a rare thing in general and even rarer given what a cesspool social media has become. I'm constantly disappointed by the fact that we punish people so severely for making a mistake, that so few people (particularly public figures) will ever face up to being wrong about something. It's always about doubling down and spinning something to make it look like you meant to do it; so I suppose it's no wonder that misinformation is so rampant.
There are a lot of folks in the NZ LARPing community and in adjacent communities (including tabletop roleplaying games and improv enthusiasts) who have been very appreciative to read this (though they're not webworm subscribers so they can't say as much here). Like every hobby that exists, what we do is a little weird from the outside. But we're all just looking for a little bit of escapism, good company, to feel safe, to feel valued and to find a creative outlet to give our lives some extra joy and colour. Things that we can be passionate about to take our minds off of the hardships of trying to make it through what are ultimately, some pretty tough times.
When events of the world take terrifying turns, we turn to our friends, to our family and to the communities that we have built to reassure us and to get us through. Although nothing makes me angrier than hearing harmful conspiracy theories parroted around, I also feel deeply sorry for all the lonely and isolated people that haven't found themselves with adequate support structures to provide them with the reassurance they need to not be sucked in by misinformation.
Thanks, Nick - that means a lot. I got some really lovely messages from LARPers which was great. Very chuffed, and will one day try it myself thanks to many kind offers!
I deactivated my Facebook account for a week very recently. I enjoyed the clarity for a bit but found myself evaluating what I got out of Facebook and getting really angry.
This is my second attempt at a Facebook. I deleted my original one a few years ago and happily lived life as a Facebook-less pariah for a year. The thing I hated most was that I constantly had to tell people that I wasn't on Facebook which seemed self-important and twattish but was really to let them know I couldn't communicate on there (my kids' kindy communicated exclusively via Facebook group for example).
I started a new Facebook when I moved to a region where I knew no one. I was ruthless in how I curated it. No news sites, no vague acquaintances, I don't "like" a single page, I figured out a way to manipulate the algorithm and completely avoid ads (not a single one). My feed is groups that contribute positively to my life and people I know.
It was the people I know who were the problem. Friends and family that I love irl but were increasingly affecting my mental health by subjecting me to information I know to be false and driven by bad actors. It was also crushingly clear that they were expressly or implicitly ignoring the voices of people like me who are immunocompromised and willing to sacrifice us for their individual "freedom".
How dare the people I actually know take the space I go to connect with people I don't know with the same niche interests, neurodiversity, and health issues as me away from me! These spaces are incredibly important to me and have made my life infinitely richer. So I came back to Facebook and I deleted, or hid absolutely anyone who upset me. If it's "just Facebook" as they always cry when I push back at hurtful things they post surely they won't mind right? Right? 😕
I would dearly love to know how you manipulated the algorithm to completely avoid ads. Are you able to explain that here?
It's pretty much just persistent obstinance. I removed myself from all ad categories and every time I saw an ad I'd flag it as irrelevant (Facebook wants to show you relevant things to keep you on) and block ads from that advertiser. It takes quite a bit of time and effort but eventually the ads stop. I am very obstinate 😅
I'm only on Twitter and youTube so I've done that same method on Twitter. I was getting ads frequently and I persisted in blocked them all and they rarely appear with new ones. I was also offered a spot on my brother-in-laws youTube premium account(you can have 5 accounts attached) and it's gloriously ad free(except for the unavoidable painful political ads forced upon us anyway).
I love hard hardline you were on all this. It's quite a funny image, you madly clicking away!
Ugh I was loving your story until the bit where your actual whanau were leading you down the path of Facebook badness! Argh. That sucks. Facebook being Facebook, eh.
In my experience, LARPers are a pretty wholesome group of folks. It was a nice peice on them.
As an American, I've spent my whole life hearing, "Give me liberty or give me death", "A man who trades liberty for safety deserves neither", "Don't tread on me", etc. And perhaps it comes from having a US-centric viewpoint, but it's surprising to me to hear that other places have people putting Freedom on a pedestal in that same way, defining it as "I should be able to do anything I want, without any inconvenience, reflection, or personal responsibility" (note, I am not against freedom, I just think it's being used as a buzzword platitude to incense the right. Whatever happened to, "With great power comes great responsibility?" Freedom is a kind of power. These people want freedom absent any responsibility.)
That always felt like a deeply American way of thinking. And of course, many of the people who have taken up that position with regards to masks and vaccines have no problem trying to restrict the freedoms of those whose lifestyles they disagree with.
So it goes.
That supreme focus on individual freedom is indeed strong in the US, and is arguably partly a product of history as a colony throwing off the yoke of English rule. Libertarianism https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Libertarianism as a philosophy is sometimes distilled down to a famous quote attributed to English political philosopher John Stuart Mill: “My right to swing my fist ends where your nose begins.”
If we briefly ignore the undertones of sexist pugilism, the sense that personal and boldly autonomy extends to our physical boundary is inherent and central.
The founders of classical libertarianism formulated this in the late 1700s and early 1800s, although the ideas underpinning it are much older. The important part is that this philosophy’s zenith dates from *before* the development of the germ theory of disease which was in the mid 1800s. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Germ_theory_of_disease
Prior to this, disease was often attributed to bad air and miasmas. The idea that harm can extend to others invisibly from my body by viruses or bacteria (i.e. aerosol transmission) is something libertarianism does not really comprehend.
Libertarians tend to assume if they aren’t swinging their first and hitting your nose, they are not risking harm to anyone else, and you limiting their ability for bodily autonomy to manage aerosol transmission is viewed as an unreasonable restriction on their bodily liberty.
Penn Jillette has spoken about being a libertarian (i.e. someone who views asking ‘can we create more freedom’ as usually good) who also recognises that as a philosophy, it needs tempering to make sense in a post 18th century world. I wish there were more self-reflective libertarians like him rather than those who dogmatically cling to 18th century positions.
I was registered as a libertarian for many years (I am now an independent, but I mostly vote blue), for exactly the kind of reasoning you've proposed here.
The personal responsibility part is very important to me, it's why I'm vaccinated and wear a mask even though I'm not at great risk as an otherwise healthy 32 year old.
If anything, my history of identifying that way only makes me more angry with these people hahaha.
Might I add, many of the first English settlers to North America (aka the Pilgrims) fled England to avoid religious persecution. Thus they were "championing religious freedom", to add to the "America was built by freedom lovers" mythos.
Yes, it's true that the Puritans were trying to escape religious persecution in England, but they were decidedly *not* in favour of religious freedom and were very critical (and later persecutory) of others when they got the chance which is partly what made them so unpopular.
The first amendment 'freedom of religion' enactment was partly an attempt to rein in the religious intolerance that the Puritans represented since they felt the state should enforce 'proper' religious devotion. They were firmly in favour of theocracy.
https://www.mtsu.edu/first-amendment/article/1372/puritans
“Whatever happened to, "With great power comes great responsibility?" Freedom is a kind of power. These people want freedom absent any responsibility.)“ This is spot on, Rose. And so is your final point about people having problems with vaccine and mask mandates and yet promoting harmful and devastating restrictive measures. My mind drifts to those who are anti-vaccination and anti-mask yet promote things like conversion therapy.
"Privilege for me, but not for thee!" sits at the centre of so much hypocrisy.
Because they are right and everyone else is wrong...it's the underlying ego and narcissism.
If it is any comfort to LARPers, when I read the original piece I took it as a way of describing the fantasy role play element of the *cough* court alone and not reflecting the lunacy of the anti-vaxxers back on to LARPers. I know a couple of LARPers and they are really lovely people. We all do things which help us escape the hamster wheel and find meaning, LARP is no different.
Larpers rule, and you rule.
that shit the Williams family have gone through is so fucked. Todd would be so fucking angry. people suck.
Yeah - it's mad huh. Like - repugnant. Thought it was very bold for his mum and sis to take part: genuinely those people are scary and sink to some super low levels.
This is a really great piece. Thanks David for being so honest! I’ve been kind of out of the loop with Webworm so it’s nice to get caught up.
I had the impulse a few weeks ago to deactivate my Facebook (with the exception of messenger) for a week which was a good call. Too much bs as I scrolled through my feed and from people I consider intelligent which is frustrating to say the least. I’m glad I deactivated it, even just for a short time since I reactivated my account it for school related reasons.
Also, LARPing sounds like a really cool hobby and something I wish I’d gotten into earlier in my youth! I was allowed to do theatre but not LARPing given its association with D&D which was prohibited in my conservative evangelical Christian household growing up. It sounds like so much fun though, especially from this person’s perspective. World-building is such a cool concept - better yet when you can imagine your own worlds in a likeminded and safe community. I feel as though the vision of building a better world for everyone gets hazier as more misinformation is spread. Isn’t this what we all want for each other?
We're having a sort of realization in the NZ LARP community that we might have people starting to take interest in the hobby on the basis of having core ideals that promote safety within the community. I never thought that could be used as a marketing angle, but we're living in weird times apparently. It is a lot of fun; I've always said that it's for anyone who has ever seen a movie or read a book and just felt like they wish they could be in a given character's shoes for a moment and live that life instead. It's also a really good way of building close friends in a shorter than normal period of time. You're often playing out scenes of heightened drama and that emotional memory sticks with you long after the specifics of what you were doing.
Honestly, age shouldn't be a barrier (I know that it can be, there are a lot of things about society which are incredibly ageist), so it's probably worth giving it a go if it sounds like it could be fun to you.
I love the sound of this! And as a filmmaker and writer, I’m continually thinking of new worlds to create and characters to inhabit and explore. No wonder I wanted to be an actor when I was younger … but unfortunately it seemed like all of a sudden I was struck with intense stage fright and camera shyness!
I’m hoping that I can go out and meet some LARPers in my community once more people get vaccinated and socializing with strangers in larger numbers becomes safer…
That sounds a lot like my experience. I always thought I might be an actor while studying theatre but my self-confidence was in the toilet so I never really believed it would go anywhere. LARPing definitely helped build up my self-confidence and despite my intense social anxiety, I'm now much more confident speaking to crowds of people then I am one on one.
I'm also looking forward to the day where out vaccination rates and public health measures get to a point where we can get back into the hobby in a safe way. I really hope that you get to have that chance for yourself one day!
Thanks Nick! Fingers crossed we can resume these activities safely soon! And fingers crossed I can build up self confidence to at give acting at least one more shot. I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently and how much I enjoyed it when the confidence was there.
Ka pai and a strong tautoko to all this!
Gaming is great fun, and adults don't get to *play* enough in my opinion. The intimacy you can build from risking being playful with others is truly heartwarming.
And Nick is right that it can also function as an emotional dress-rehearsal for real life, so it's potential to be personally therapeutic is not to be sniffed at.
It is - it really is.
Also - welcome back. NEVER feel pressure to read this thing - but it's always here when you want it!