Alex's favorite color was blue, and his favorite emoji was this: 💙
Every time I see that heart, I tell myself it's For Alex 💙
I'm Angel - Thank you for sharing Alex's story.
Some comments from those who knew Alex:
"Alex wanted his story to be shared, but not like the RNZ article. If anything came from his life, he wanted it to be to educate people on the dangers of eating disorders. Alex's transness only ever came up in the context of his parents not accepting him. He would have had a greater chance to explore his gender identity when he was older. Maybe he would have chosen to medically transition, maybe he would have used the non-binary label again, or maybe he would have detransitioned. Either way, that would have been his choice, and it is a choice that he has been robbed of, because he is not alive anymore. Alex needed love, acceptance and space to figure himself out, and he was denied that...
The original article seems so suggest that 'because social services focused so much on Alex's gender identity, they neglected his eating disorder'. It is deeply ironic then, that all of the conversation now seems to be around Alex's gender identity, and people are neglecting to raise awareness about the eating disorder that killed him."
"Alex was gentle and kind, who just wanted to be seen, heard, and respected by his own parents - those who swore to love him unconditionally upon conception. The very system designed to protect him failed catastrophically, and resulted in the preventable loss of life. Dozens of countries claim to have exceptional healthcare only to offer uncomprehensive care to eating disorder patients, especially those in the LGBTQ+ community. We treat the symptoms, but not the actual cause/root of the pain causing the symptoms. Alex, unfortunately, was no exception...
Alex was transgender, and deserved peace, love, and acceptance for his gender identity, just as all queer kids do. Instead, Alex has now passed on as a direct complication of ignorance and hate. We grieve the loss of Alex, one of our own, and pray that he may find peace in whatever afterlife there may be. Alex deserved so much more than he received from those who swore to love him. Alex will always be remembered for the love he spread, and the kindness he showed. We will keep his memory alive in adherence to his core being, because we saw Alex as the brave, kind, and gentle soul he truly was, not what he was forced to conform to be. Rest in power, Alex."
"I could see how much light, and desire to be alive, to be himself, there was in him. I cannot forgive those who failed to support him and took away his future, and it hurts to see his memory weaponized against those who are the most vulnerable. I just want to see my friend be given respect in death. I want Alex's voice to stay alive."
"Alex was always really kind ... a force that always brought a little bit of solidarity... the good, the dark- it didn't matter... they were a comforting presence...
What I'm trying to say is... they touched those they interacted with, even if indirectly, and I'm still processing that.
When I was Alex's age I was also transgender with anorexia. I hit quasi-recovery before a huge relapse in my 20s where I was blessed with a good therapist, a trans-inclusive and celebratory ED support group, and good people around me, and I recovered.
Thank you so much, Angel, for bringing these words, for speaking up, and for making sure we remember Alex the way he would have wanted to been remembered.
Ngā mihi nui Angel, for allowing us to hear your words and from others who knew Alex, so that we might strive to understand better and do better. Arohanui
Thank you. As the Mum of an utterly beautiful transgender woman, also with an eating disorder, my heart aches for Alex. I’m so glad though, that you and David have given Alex a voice, his voice. The support group I’m in, for parents, is life saving. We all support each other, and hold each other up. I just wish Alex could have had that. 💙💙💙
RNZ is government owned - they need to take some responsibility as a public broadcaster.
The journalist, Ruth Hill, has a history of writing about trans issues - with headlines like this: "Number of children prescribed puberty blockers growing"
Of course, over on Facebook, TERF organisations like "Speak Up For Women" respond with posts like this: "RNZ Morning Report has a segment on Puberty Blockers this morning, by investigative journalist, Ruth Hill. This is quite a step for mainstream media, but Ruth Hill has credibility, and her findings are not easy to ignore. We take our hat off to Ruth for her courage in speaking out in a hostile environment. We hope to hear more from her."
So yeah.
The story had an angle, driven by a journalist who - knowingly or not - likes stoking fear about trans issues. And somehow an editor let it get published.
Which IS weird - as even a basic read of that article it was pretty clear how offensive and cooked it was. And from there it was published on Stuff (NZ's biggest site) and 1News, too. Less blame there (some young journo getting a feed from trusted RNZ and just copying and pasting).
Thank you David for sharing this. I read that RNZ article a few days ago and have been thinking about it ever since and shedding a lot of tears over the situation. I remember thinking "well, if that's what the qualified psychologist thinks then I guess I would have respected that qualified medical opinion over my child's wishes?"
I am a mother of two young children and I just couldn't stop thinking about how scary it is that is seems parents can't protect children from (insert all the terrible dangers you imagine befalling your children here) and how worried I am to see my boys turn into teenagers and drift away from me, that even the most well-meaning parents can't stop this from happening.
What I've learnt is that actually, you can. No matter what our children do or say or feel, our job is to simply put aside all our own thoughts, opinions, and feelings, and simply be there with them, to talk to them, to understand them, and to help them. Loving someone is not always taking the actions that we think are what love is. It is actually about asking others how they would like to be loved. A little bit of understanding, it seems, is like a lifetime's worth of food, water, shelter and medical care.
I've also learned that it's probably a good idea to seek multiple opinions from medical professionals if you're ever in doubt (or your child has expressed dislike/concern about a particular medical person they're seeing). Imagine if.. imagine if the psychologist had actually affirmed Alex's identity instead of undermining it?
"What I've learnt is that actually, you can. No matter what our children do or say or feel, our job is to simply put aside all our own thoughts, opinions, and feelings, and simply be there with them, to talk to them, to understand them, and to help them. Loving someone is not always taking the actions that we think are what love is. It is actually about asking others how they would like to be loved. A little bit of understanding, it seems, is like a lifetime's worth of food, water, shelter and medical care."
Now this is some fucking reporting. I made a formal complaint to RNZ about that article over the weekend under the media council principle "In cases involving children and young people editors must demonstrate an exceptional degree of public interest to override the interests of the child or young person." - if the RNZ article isn't a violation of Alex's interests, I don't know what is.
A few days before this I was hanging out with some friends who work in the mental health space – and we were talking a bit about how hard can be for people with more going on than just transness to advocate for themselves and access care, even though they often need it the most.
I come from the privileged end of the trans spectrum, for sure. I have a university degree, I worked in the tech sector for over a decade, and that was how I funded my cycling world record. Even with a bunch of parent-friendly achievements, my relationship with my father is still just like Alex's. I don't speak to him anymore because even the slightest push-back on his behavior makes him hysterical, and I find myself withdrawing more and more from everyone else who lets him be the way that he is. It's ridiculous how common this is.
The only way to stamp out the behavior of transphobic parents is to call it what it is: silly, childish and intolerable. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for Alex to have to literally parent his own 60-year-old parents, while also struggling with housing and an eating disorder. And yet he sounds mature, funny, and well rounded. This is the sort of reporting we need: the stuff that demonstrates that Alex was the sort of kid that parents should be proud of.
Thank you for sharing this. When I read the RNZ article the biggest question I had was 'Where is Alex in all this?' (though I didn't know his name yet as RNZ didn't bother to include it).
The story feels as if it was pre written by his parents (the ones who kicked him out and legally disowned him) and regurgitated by RNZ with no journalistic input. It should have been labelled as an opinion piece, as this is essentially what it is.
There is some kind of synchronicity in how the story describes Alex slowly shrinking away physically, and the way his parents shrink and diminish him in this story. Reading the RNZ article it would be easy to believe that there was nothing to his life other than an eating disorder and his gender identity. Thank you for humanising him.
This is one of the things I was struck by. Obviously they couldn't speak to Alex but there was no attempt to speak to his peers, or really anyone that could stick up for him and his identity. It was deliberately written to adopt the parents' narrative and basically theirs alone. The agencies who were asked to provide statements were restricted by an ongoing coronial process - something RNZ would have known. The only vaguely sympathetic voice for Alex was a motel owner, who somehow got blamed for his death despite not having responsibility for pastoral care of a child who was supposed to have family and government agencies looking after him.
As a trans man myself, and as someone who struggled with disordered eating as a teen it was a difficult read, but also a necessary antidote to the RNZ article.
I'm studying journalism, and I agree completely with what others are saying here. It was an awful piece of journalism - only one direct source, and that being the parents who disowned and abused Alex. AKA unreputable sources. Any sane, moral journalist wouldn't have run that story. It's a disgrace to those suffering from EDs, and the LGBTQ+ (especially trans) community.
I'm a member of the foum Alex was on. We interacted here and there, and he brought so much light to the place. Everyone loved (and still does!) Alex and we are devastated by this loss. More so, the article deadnaming and misgendering Alex is despicable and abhorrent. As a student studying journalism in the states, it was incredibly unethical and downright disrespectful.
THANK YOU for getting Alex's TRUE story out there. THANK YOU for advocating for him. THANK YOU!!!
I just want to say thank you for this. Thank you for choosing to speak for the voiceless despite the current way of the world. As a trans man in the southern U.S, this story touched me deeply, and your treatment of it was a breath of fresh air in the noxious atmosphere we are all currently living in. You let Alex speak for himself, and that means so much.
I read the RNZ article and was unsettled by it, but I'll admit because it's a publication I usually trust I didn't pick up that it was basically a transphobic hit-piece. I'm embarrassed that I didn't pick that up, but I'm also angry that RNZ allowed it to be published in the first place. Shame on me, but also shame on them. Alex, I'm sorry you were failed by so many in life and in death. I hope your story is shared far and wide.
Thanks for this article David. I work with trans kids as a psychologist and eating disorder symptoms are often associated with gender dysphoria and a recommended treatment is gender affirming care (alongside ED treatment which depends on the severity of the ED). This is a heartbreaking story to read and I wish Alex had got the care he needed.
Thank you! I was just posting that gender affirming care IS the treatment. They always say “these people” have untreated mental health issues but then deny them their treatment.
Thank you for doing this. I’m the parent of a trans girl (she’s nine and transitioned socially right before kindergarten) and I cannot fucking IMAGINE not loving her for exactly who she is, because she’s my KID.
American friends, I cannot recommend enough donating to the Campaign for Southern Equality’s Trans Youth Emergency Project: https://southernequality.org/tyep/ they give grants to trans kids and their families to get healthcare and emergency help and support.
Heartbroken. Thank you for telling Alex’s story, David and Angel.
Just fucking love your kids for who they are and when they tell you who they are, fucking believe them and support them with everything you have. Don’t be a dick. It’s not hard.
Thank you for putting Alex’s voice back at the centre of his story.
Thank you again, David, for working on this piece with such care and consideration. Our dignity not being upheld in our deaths is a fear so many trans people hold - so thank you and Angel for giving Alex some of his dignity back.
I will be listening to RNZ Mediawatch this week for an update on this. I want to know how they just published such obvious anti-trans propoganda. Right down to the bit where they said (paraphrased) "normally we use the name and pronouns people want us to use but because this person is dead, what they want doesn't matter".
The most beautiful gift to an incredible young man who was failed in both life and death to be seen as the compassionate, brave and creative person he was by those who had every opportunity to know and do better.
Thank you David. I can't even imagine how hard this would have been.
Alex's favorite color was blue, and his favorite emoji was this: 💙
Every time I see that heart, I tell myself it's For Alex 💙
I'm Angel - Thank you for sharing Alex's story.
Some comments from those who knew Alex:
"Alex wanted his story to be shared, but not like the RNZ article. If anything came from his life, he wanted it to be to educate people on the dangers of eating disorders. Alex's transness only ever came up in the context of his parents not accepting him. He would have had a greater chance to explore his gender identity when he was older. Maybe he would have chosen to medically transition, maybe he would have used the non-binary label again, or maybe he would have detransitioned. Either way, that would have been his choice, and it is a choice that he has been robbed of, because he is not alive anymore. Alex needed love, acceptance and space to figure himself out, and he was denied that...
The original article seems so suggest that 'because social services focused so much on Alex's gender identity, they neglected his eating disorder'. It is deeply ironic then, that all of the conversation now seems to be around Alex's gender identity, and people are neglecting to raise awareness about the eating disorder that killed him."
"Alex was gentle and kind, who just wanted to be seen, heard, and respected by his own parents - those who swore to love him unconditionally upon conception. The very system designed to protect him failed catastrophically, and resulted in the preventable loss of life. Dozens of countries claim to have exceptional healthcare only to offer uncomprehensive care to eating disorder patients, especially those in the LGBTQ+ community. We treat the symptoms, but not the actual cause/root of the pain causing the symptoms. Alex, unfortunately, was no exception...
Alex was transgender, and deserved peace, love, and acceptance for his gender identity, just as all queer kids do. Instead, Alex has now passed on as a direct complication of ignorance and hate. We grieve the loss of Alex, one of our own, and pray that he may find peace in whatever afterlife there may be. Alex deserved so much more than he received from those who swore to love him. Alex will always be remembered for the love he spread, and the kindness he showed. We will keep his memory alive in adherence to his core being, because we saw Alex as the brave, kind, and gentle soul he truly was, not what he was forced to conform to be. Rest in power, Alex."
"I could see how much light, and desire to be alive, to be himself, there was in him. I cannot forgive those who failed to support him and took away his future, and it hurts to see his memory weaponized against those who are the most vulnerable. I just want to see my friend be given respect in death. I want Alex's voice to stay alive."
"Alex was always really kind ... a force that always brought a little bit of solidarity... the good, the dark- it didn't matter... they were a comforting presence...
What I'm trying to say is... they touched those they interacted with, even if indirectly, and I'm still processing that.
I miss them."
Thank you Angel 🫶🏼
When I was Alex's age I was also transgender with anorexia. I hit quasi-recovery before a huge relapse in my 20s where I was blessed with a good therapist, a trans-inclusive and celebratory ED support group, and good people around me, and I recovered.
I just wish Alex got to have that too.
Your pocket friends are grateful you got good support and shared your story with us, educated us, opened our eyes.
Thank you so much, Angel, for bringing these words, for speaking up, and for making sure we remember Alex the way he would have wanted to been remembered.
Sending you so much love. I am so sorry for your loss. You speak beautifully of your friend. I hope you are also getting lots of love and support.
Ngā mihi nui Angel, for allowing us to hear your words and from others who knew Alex, so that we might strive to understand better and do better. Arohanui
💙
Thank you for sharing Angel.
I hope you are looking after yourself the best you can.
Thank you for being there for this precious young person when he needed that <3
💙
Thank you. As the Mum of an utterly beautiful transgender woman, also with an eating disorder, my heart aches for Alex. I’m so glad though, that you and David have given Alex a voice, his voice. The support group I’m in, for parents, is life saving. We all support each other, and hold each other up. I just wish Alex could have had that. 💙💙💙
💙
💙
Thank you so much angel for sharing 🙏🏼💫❤️🔥
💙
💙💙💙
I just wanted to say thanks for the outpouring here in the comments - it's heartening that Alex's story is being heard.
Also thanks to anyone sharing this story - it's getting out there, and hopefully countering RNZ's narrative.
If you want to go to the BSA over this - here you go: https://www.bsa.govt.nz/complaints/the-complaints-process/
RNZ is government owned - they need to take some responsibility as a public broadcaster.
The journalist, Ruth Hill, has a history of writing about trans issues - with headlines like this: "Number of children prescribed puberty blockers growing"
Of course, over on Facebook, TERF organisations like "Speak Up For Women" respond with posts like this: "RNZ Morning Report has a segment on Puberty Blockers this morning, by investigative journalist, Ruth Hill. This is quite a step for mainstream media, but Ruth Hill has credibility, and her findings are not easy to ignore. We take our hat off to Ruth for her courage in speaking out in a hostile environment. We hope to hear more from her."
So yeah.
The story had an angle, driven by a journalist who - knowingly or not - likes stoking fear about trans issues. And somehow an editor let it get published.
Which IS weird - as even a basic read of that article it was pretty clear how offensive and cooked it was. And from there it was published on Stuff (NZ's biggest site) and 1News, too. Less blame there (some young journo getting a feed from trusted RNZ and just copying and pasting).
But yeah, fuck all this.
We hear you Alex.
David.
Thank you David for sharing this. I read that RNZ article a few days ago and have been thinking about it ever since and shedding a lot of tears over the situation. I remember thinking "well, if that's what the qualified psychologist thinks then I guess I would have respected that qualified medical opinion over my child's wishes?"
I am a mother of two young children and I just couldn't stop thinking about how scary it is that is seems parents can't protect children from (insert all the terrible dangers you imagine befalling your children here) and how worried I am to see my boys turn into teenagers and drift away from me, that even the most well-meaning parents can't stop this from happening.
What I've learnt is that actually, you can. No matter what our children do or say or feel, our job is to simply put aside all our own thoughts, opinions, and feelings, and simply be there with them, to talk to them, to understand them, and to help them. Loving someone is not always taking the actions that we think are what love is. It is actually about asking others how they would like to be loved. A little bit of understanding, it seems, is like a lifetime's worth of food, water, shelter and medical care.
I've also learned that it's probably a good idea to seek multiple opinions from medical professionals if you're ever in doubt (or your child has expressed dislike/concern about a particular medical person they're seeing). Imagine if.. imagine if the psychologist had actually affirmed Alex's identity instead of undermining it?
"What I've learnt is that actually, you can. No matter what our children do or say or feel, our job is to simply put aside all our own thoughts, opinions, and feelings, and simply be there with them, to talk to them, to understand them, and to help them. Loving someone is not always taking the actions that we think are what love is. It is actually about asking others how they would like to be loved. A little bit of understanding, it seems, is like a lifetime's worth of food, water, shelter and medical care."
This is really lovely <3
Now this is some fucking reporting. I made a formal complaint to RNZ about that article over the weekend under the media council principle "In cases involving children and young people editors must demonstrate an exceptional degree of public interest to override the interests of the child or young person." - if the RNZ article isn't a violation of Alex's interests, I don't know what is.
A few days before this I was hanging out with some friends who work in the mental health space – and we were talking a bit about how hard can be for people with more going on than just transness to advocate for themselves and access care, even though they often need it the most.
I come from the privileged end of the trans spectrum, for sure. I have a university degree, I worked in the tech sector for over a decade, and that was how I funded my cycling world record. Even with a bunch of parent-friendly achievements, my relationship with my father is still just like Alex's. I don't speak to him anymore because even the slightest push-back on his behavior makes him hysterical, and I find myself withdrawing more and more from everyone else who lets him be the way that he is. It's ridiculous how common this is.
The only way to stamp out the behavior of transphobic parents is to call it what it is: silly, childish and intolerable. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for Alex to have to literally parent his own 60-year-old parents, while also struggling with housing and an eating disorder. And yet he sounds mature, funny, and well rounded. This is the sort of reporting we need: the stuff that demonstrates that Alex was the sort of kid that parents should be proud of.
Arohanui
Alex deserved the world and he didn't get it.
He deserved parents who tried to understand him, who didn't abuse him.
He deserved a quality of eating disorder care and support that just is not found in Aotearoa.
He deserved competent care that treated him as who he was, while treating the anorexia.
He deserved a secure home, and he deserves dignity in his death.
Thank you for publishing these for us David.
All of this 💔😢
I'm upset and angry after reading that, but thank you for writing it and prioritising Alex's voice. He deserved so much better. Heartbreaking.
Thank you for sharing this. When I read the RNZ article the biggest question I had was 'Where is Alex in all this?' (though I didn't know his name yet as RNZ didn't bother to include it).
The story feels as if it was pre written by his parents (the ones who kicked him out and legally disowned him) and regurgitated by RNZ with no journalistic input. It should have been labelled as an opinion piece, as this is essentially what it is.
There is some kind of synchronicity in how the story describes Alex slowly shrinking away physically, and the way his parents shrink and diminish him in this story. Reading the RNZ article it would be easy to believe that there was nothing to his life other than an eating disorder and his gender identity. Thank you for humanising him.
This is one of the things I was struck by. Obviously they couldn't speak to Alex but there was no attempt to speak to his peers, or really anyone that could stick up for him and his identity. It was deliberately written to adopt the parents' narrative and basically theirs alone. The agencies who were asked to provide statements were restricted by an ongoing coronial process - something RNZ would have known. The only vaguely sympathetic voice for Alex was a motel owner, who somehow got blamed for his death despite not having responsibility for pastoral care of a child who was supposed to have family and government agencies looking after him.
As a trans man myself, and as someone who struggled with disordered eating as a teen it was a difficult read, but also a necessary antidote to the RNZ article.
I'm studying journalism, and I agree completely with what others are saying here. It was an awful piece of journalism - only one direct source, and that being the parents who disowned and abused Alex. AKA unreputable sources. Any sane, moral journalist wouldn't have run that story. It's a disgrace to those suffering from EDs, and the LGBTQ+ (especially trans) community.
I'm a member of the foum Alex was on. We interacted here and there, and he brought so much light to the place. Everyone loved (and still does!) Alex and we are devastated by this loss. More so, the article deadnaming and misgendering Alex is despicable and abhorrent. As a student studying journalism in the states, it was incredibly unethical and downright disrespectful.
THANK YOU for getting Alex's TRUE story out there. THANK YOU for advocating for him. THANK YOU!!!
David/Webworm
I just want to say thank you for this. Thank you for choosing to speak for the voiceless despite the current way of the world. As a trans man in the southern U.S, this story touched me deeply, and your treatment of it was a breath of fresh air in the noxious atmosphere we are all currently living in. You let Alex speak for himself, and that means so much.
I read the RNZ article and was unsettled by it, but I'll admit because it's a publication I usually trust I didn't pick up that it was basically a transphobic hit-piece. I'm embarrassed that I didn't pick that up, but I'm also angry that RNZ allowed it to be published in the first place. Shame on me, but also shame on them. Alex, I'm sorry you were failed by so many in life and in death. I hope your story is shared far and wide.
And thank you David for allowing Alex's voice to be heard.
Thanks for this article David. I work with trans kids as a psychologist and eating disorder symptoms are often associated with gender dysphoria and a recommended treatment is gender affirming care (alongside ED treatment which depends on the severity of the ED). This is a heartbreaking story to read and I wish Alex had got the care he needed.
Thanks for giving Alex a voice.
Thank you! I was just posting that gender affirming care IS the treatment. They always say “these people” have untreated mental health issues but then deny them their treatment.
Thank you for doing this. I’m the parent of a trans girl (she’s nine and transitioned socially right before kindergarten) and I cannot fucking IMAGINE not loving her for exactly who she is, because she’s my KID.
American friends, I cannot recommend enough donating to the Campaign for Southern Equality’s Trans Youth Emergency Project: https://southernequality.org/tyep/ they give grants to trans kids and their families to get healthcare and emergency help and support.
Heartbroken. Thank you for telling Alex’s story, David and Angel.
Just fucking love your kids for who they are and when they tell you who they are, fucking believe them and support them with everything you have. Don’t be a dick. It’s not hard.
Thank you for putting Alex’s voice back at the centre of his story.
This 100% 👏
Thank you again, David, for working on this piece with such care and consideration. Our dignity not being upheld in our deaths is a fear so many trans people hold - so thank you and Angel for giving Alex some of his dignity back.
I will be listening to RNZ Mediawatch this week for an update on this. I want to know how they just published such obvious anti-trans propoganda. Right down to the bit where they said (paraphrased) "normally we use the name and pronouns people want us to use but because this person is dead, what they want doesn't matter".
The most beautiful gift to an incredible young man who was failed in both life and death to be seen as the compassionate, brave and creative person he was by those who had every opportunity to know and do better.
Thank you David. I can't even imagine how hard this would have been.
What an utter tragedy.
Please may society learn some lessons from this.