Today’s newsletter comes with a mini-podcast conversation between me and my buddy Liv Tennet, talking about her time as a child actor in Lord of the Rings. It’s a conversation with a lot of giggles as she talks about falling off a horse, and becoming a meme.
Hi,
This week I released an episode of Flightless Bird, my very light-hearted podcast about American culture.
This particular episode was a “reverse” Flightless Bird, in which I turned my attention to a New Zealand phenomenon: Lord of the Rings.
In it, I did something I knew would send some fans over the edge: I happily admitted I had never really watched Lord of the Rings.
People lost it.
Fortunately Frodo himself (Elijah Wood, a friend) seemed less angry:
I think people were confused and thought Flightless Bird was a movie-review podcast, not a carefree romp around New Zealand tourist trap Hobbiton.
But with so much anger spilling over my social media last week (and March 25th being the anniversary of the destruction of the One Ring in Mount Doom, causing the defeat of Sauron and destruction of his armies, the Black Gate, and Barad-dûr) I thought it was time to give the people what they want:
An in-depth rewatch of the entire Lord of the Rings extended editions, documented and accounted for in extreme detail.
Was I going to do this? No.*
But Webworm contributor Jackson James Wood saw that the entire trilogy was playing at a theatre near him — and as a huge LOTR fan (notice his wonderful beard), he agreed to go and take notes.
So here is a comprehensive rundown of 11 hours and 23 minutes of Lord of the Rings.
David.
*Something deep in my being just doesn’t enjoy fantasy films. I don’t know why this is. I love science fiction. Fantastical aliens and gadgets are okay. But the second you add a dragon or a hobbit, my brain turns off. I am aware I am missing out on a grand type of storytelling with depth, nuance and heart. Okay: take it away, Jackson.
JJW goes to a Lord of the Rings extended version marathon
by Jackson James Wood.
A little more than 20 years ago, a teenaged Jackson was part of the throng — which from drone’s eye view would have resembled an Orc army — lining Courtenay Place as all the stars from the Lord of the Rings trilogy wended their way down the extravagantly long red carpet towards the Embassy Theatre in Wellington, New Zealand.
In the past two decades I have taken every opportunity to reminisce about how I shook Elijah — perhaps a distant cousin of mine? — Wood’s hand, got a hug from Liv Tyler — still in love with you, Liv — and stole a corflute poster from the temporary fencing (I wonder where that ended up).
And of course I take every opportunity to re-watch the trilogy that I can. It’s a huge part of many Kiwi Millennials formative years and an even bigger part of New Zealand’s history. I have been known to just put it on at odd times, for example on what was supposed to be a nice holiday with friends, I had it running in the background (sorry, not sorry).
So in late January, when Melbourne, Australia’s Astor Theatre was showing not just the entire trilogy but the extended versions of each film back-to-back-to-back, it was a sure bet that I would cram myself into one of those teeny little seats for almost 13 hours. As Gandalf said, “All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us” and I guess a Lord of the Rings marathon is as good a decision as any.
What follows are a flurry of thoughts which I have been able to decipher from my notebook. They come in roughly chronological order.
Warning, there will be spoilers, but if you haven’t seen the movies by this point you need to really take a long hard look in the mirror and then go watch them. Seriously. Go now. I’ll wait.
Pre-show
I was slightly disappointed there were not more costumes. Only one or two people in cloaks with a smattering of elf ears around. The crowd was pretty much what you’d expect and I’m not sure if it was The Astor’s general musk or the patron’s Goblin-like approach to bathing, but the cinema was a bit whiffy. What the audience lacked in personal hygiene they made up for in enthusiasm and the crowd had a lovely energy which was fantastic to be part of.
The showing kicked off with Air New Zealand’s so-bad-it’s-good Hobbit safety video, pretty much a piece of cinema on its own. To the predominantly Australian audience it must’ve been amusing, but to those of us Kiwis it felt like we were about to embark on a long haul flight. Given the run time for all three extended versions is equivalent to flying from Auckland (Orc-land?) to Los Angeles, it was a pretty fitting way to start things.
Fellowship of the Ring
From the moment the lights dimmed and Cate Blanchett / Galadriel’s voice started telling the story of the rings of power the audience was captivated. You could have heard a ring drop.
The first scenes in The Shire are wonderful and the mix of practical effects with CGI still stack up. As David’s visit to Hobbiton showed, The Shire is a very real place and has become a bit of a tourist hotspot in recent years due to its preservation by avid historians. Sadly this fan is still yet to make a pilgrimage.
Christopher Lee as Saruman gave me chills in every scene. He has such a presence on screen. Between Lee, Ian McKellan, and Blanchett, Lord of the Rings has three of the top five people whose voices take over my inner monologue at times. Please guess who the other two are in the comments below.
Why does everyone have grubby hands? Given these movies are about putting rings on fingers, it makes sense there are many close ups of hands. But why are everyone's hands always so filthy?
Little prickles of joy erupted on my skin during the scene when the hobbits first hide from the Nazgûl, having walked the tracks of Wellington’s Mount Victoria during much of my 20s it’s lovely to have this kind of connection to home displayed on the big screen.
PJ does occasionally have an eye for a good shot and a couple of them which stand out in Fellowship were the establishing shot of Strider/Aragorn sitting in the darkened corner, face illuminated from the warm glow of pipe weed embers. Another is the amazing flythrough of Isengard as the camera dives and loops through the caverns. It must’ve taken so much late 90s / early 00s computer power to render out these shots which are intricate and full of motion.
To counterbalance the good CGI there’s also some bad, with the transition after Arwen drowns the Dark Riders being laughable with the greenscreen of Hugo Weaving/Elijah Wood looking like something out of an early 80s film.
How many apples did Merry/Pippin eat during production of this film? They both seem to constantly be eating apples, something which is picked back up in Return when they are looting the storehouse at Isengard.
One thing that bugged me throughout the movies, even back in 2001 was the stupid necklace Arwen gives Aragorn. We get it. She loves him. But this is Lord of the Rings, not Lord of the Pendants. I wonder how much money they made selling replicas, I wonder how many girlfriends got one for Christmas (and had to fake loving it).
When the door of Moria was revealed it sounded like some guy right up the back came. I was very happy for him.
There were many references to other movies in the trilogy. One which is woven throughout the trilogy is a subtle nod to Crybaby (1990). When people cry in Lord of the Rings, they only ever seem to shed one single tear, much like Johnny Depp’s eponymous character.
The extra scenes really come into their own when the fellowship hit Lothlorien. They add so much context and lore to the movie that it’s even worth having to listen to the dude who simps for Galadriel. It also introduces Haldir (Craig Parker aka Guy Warner from Shortland Street) nice and early so when elves turn up at Helms Deep in Two Towers you’re not scratching your head as much.
At about this point I started to ponder all the helicopter shots in the trilogy. There literally must be hours and hours of footage taken from helicopters on the cutting room floor. The logistics of some of the shots are spectacular in and of themselves, really showcasing much of Aotearoa’s beauty. The thought of PJ leaning out of a chopper Apocalypse Now (1979) style and buzzing Viggo Mortensen, Orlando Bloom, and John Rhys-Davies makes me laugh (I love the smell of splicing adhesive in the morning).
What makes it even funnier is that 20 years later you could get the same shots with a $1000 drone from any decent electronics store.
The Two Towers
The second movie is a slow burn. The first thing I noted was Sam’s absolute savagery toward Gollum. Sean Astin does well to beat the absolute shit out of Andy Serkis and the CGI people make it all look very real(ish). Still on CGI, the ageing of and then de-aging of Theoden (Bernard Hill) was pretty good. The only weird thing about it is his eyes, which just looked odd.
One moment in this film where the extra scenes perhaps should have been left out was Theodin’s son’s funeral. Once again, it added a little bit of lore, but it didn’t really add anything to the overall narrative of the trilogy.
Christopher Lee shines again, even when he delivers such a terrible line as “You stink of horse” which got a lovely laugh from the audience.
My biggest beef with the theatrical release of Two Towers was always Eowyn (Miranda Otto) falling in love with Aragorn. It’s never really explained other than to suggest Viggo is objectively a handsome man, a king, and not Grimer. The extended version does not really shed any further light on this issue. The extra scenes show a cringe-inducing moment where she cooks a stew and Aragorn chokes down a piece of something that is probably horse fat and he (mostly) maintains a straight face and is nice to her. More on the terrible gender politics of the trilogy, and Eowyn specifically, later.
PJ’s take on Gollum/Smegol is legit very good. The first insight into his split personality and externalising the internal fight between the two, really does help the portrayal of something that doesn’t quite come across in the books and could be seen as a nice comment on mental health in general (in a world where Big T blood blood spurt murder an orc killed me mum Trauma generally goes unnoticed).
For example, PJ’s take on Rohan’s child soldiers is quite confusing. The WTF face on the kid who gets given an axe in the lead up to the Battle of the Hornburg is amazing, I’m surprised it hasn’t been turned into a meme. Then you have Aragorn’s “inspirational” chat to Éothain (Sam Comery, who never acted in anything again). Does PJ support child soldiers? It’s not clear and the theme is never really resolved, even in the extended cut.
Once again the mix of practical and CGI effects pays off during the entire Helms Deep battle. It’s fuckin’ cool and better than the battle in Return of the King. Fight me.
But the best bit of the entire movie is the Ents. Give me more ents. I would devote serious time to a movie or show about Ents. Amazon’s Rings of Power prequel can get in the bin. Let’s spend that billion dollars on an Ent spinoff. I’ll help write it. Seriously. I have half a screenplay ready to roll. The extra scenes with the Ents in Two Towers are so good. I was there for it. I was also there for Merry being an anti-fascist revolutionary to Pippin’s liberal appeaser.
I spotted another homage, this time to Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981), when Pippin steals the Palantir from a sleeping Gandalf. While we’re talking about Merry and Pippin, you’d think after being responsible for the death of Gandalf in the previous movie, the pair would have stopped being absolute numpties. But no, they don’t learn. Ever. Even right at the end of the trilogy they’re still cracking wise and doing stupid shit.
But the actual worst bit of this movie, and our bridge to the next, is Faramir. He’s a cuuuuuunt and the extra scenes in both Two Towers and Return of the King do nothing to humanise (one of the few actual humans).
Last highlight was Brett McKenzie’s cameo. I wish they had used ‘Frodo, Don’t Wear The Ring’ as music during the credits.
Return of the King
After sitting through almost 8 hours of Lord of the Rings already I stopped taking notes out of a combination of fascination with all the extra footage — Return has by far the most additional scenes — and also my pen started to run out of ink.
Which was probably a good thing because this piece is already too long, much like the movies themselves.
The crowd had a visceral reaction to the way Denethor, son of Ecthelion (John Nobel), ate that god damn tomato. Savage. Just absolutely barbaric. As someone who suffers greatly from misophonia I fucking hate his entire scene and I hate PJ for putting it in there and I hate John Nobel for doing it and I hate the sound guy for really making the chewing noises pop in surround sound.
Some dot point thoughts:
Sam gets back to work beating the shit out of Gollum (yay)
Shelob is terrifying (ahhh)
Why did it take so long for Sam and Frodo to cross about 1km in amongst all the other action (boo)
The dude in front of me was getting vaguely annoyed at me laughing at all of Sam’s corny lines (suck it, nerd)
Totally forgot that Denethor self-immolated/jumped to his death (yay)
Theoden, a man, tells Eowyn, a woman, to smile…
And here we’ll pick up the weird gender politics again. Look, PJ did a better job than Tolkien on this front. There were more than two women in the movies. They had speaking roles. But not to each other — [insert sadtrombone.mp3 here] — thus failing the Bechdel Test. And even if they had talked to each other one gets the impression it would’ve been about how dreamy Viggo Mortensen is (he is dreamy tho).
The thing that really pissed me off the most about the extended scenes was the weird shoehorning of a 5 minute, obviously completely out of the chronology of the rest of the film, montage showing Eowyn falling in love with Faramir. Like the unrequited-hots-for-Aragorn plot in Two Towers, no real reason is given for her love of Faramir other than him being passingly nice to her.
Rah.
Many say that Return is the best movie. I’m inclined to agree if the movie ended when Frodo and Sam made it out of Mount Doom and collapsed on the little outcrop of rock as the lava flowed around them. Or then when the eagles snatched them, or after the reunion with the vaguely homoerotic jumping on Frodo, or after the crowning of Aragorn. There were many opportunities to tie this up with a nice bow, the extended version allowed PJ to throw a few extra endings in there.
Finally, Sam closes the door of his little Hobbit house and the credits start to roll to rapturous applause from the audience. I stumbled out onto Chapel Street at pretty close to midnight to join all the other people stumbling (and pissing and vomiting) around.
Final thoughts
Like one does not simply walk into Mordor, one should also not simply talk about the history of the Lord of the Rings trilogy without acknowledging they are connected to convicted rapist, Harvey Weinstein, whose name appears right up the top of the credits in all three movies.
I’m not clear whether he gets any money when people watch the Lord of the Rings movies — The Internet tells me PJ owning Weinstein by modelling an orc on him is pain enough (it isn’t) — so if you figure it out, please let me know.
One should also note PJ has been wishy-washy about his collaboration with Weinstein, denying all knowledge but saying he was essentially asked to blacklist women actors. Weta Workshops also recently faced allegations of a culture of sexual harassment.
Also also PJ (and co):
screwed over actors and then forced through a terrible law by blackmailing the New Zealand government,
“valouris[ed] the endless scurvy and mud of an increasingly ancient war” (and fucked with The Beatles),
spat the dummy when a much needed change was made to New Zealand’s health and safety law,
and stopped a housing development being built in Wellington.
Actually I don’t know where I fall on that last one because the houses would probably have been owned by rich bastards anyway.
Putting all the ethical and moral reasons for not liking the production of Lord of the Rings aside, the extended versions of the trilogy are very good. The additions add depth to the films which the original theatrical releases lack.
As I am not a historian, I cannot comment on the historiographical accuracy of the films and how true it stays to the founding of Aotearoa New Zealand as a sovereign country united under King Aragorn.
But it’s definitely worth the almost 13 hours of sitting in the dark in what are potentially the least comfortable cinema seats in all of Melbourne.
I’ll definitely be back next year.
-Jackson James Wood.
David here again.
I hope you enjoyed revisiting the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Nearly 12 hours of the stuff. If you’re like me and haven’t seen the films, hopefully you now feel like you have.
I also hope my conversation with Liv, who made this face over two decades ago, was a fun listen.
What was your experience with Lord of the Rings?
Have you seen the extended cuts?
What was your highlight? What was your lowlight? How has this trilogy affected your life?
See you in the comments.
David.
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