To the victims, the forgotten victims, the ones Raj didn't see as humans, the descriptions of abuse that had me nearly yakking in a courtroom, the ones that survived, the many who likely didn't;
Thanks Dave, truly. And thank you Dylan, I'm still blushing!
I know you're vaguely aware of some of my history (we first worked together back around 2008 when I was pretending to be a neonazi, doing the work of the cops for them, getting multiple nazis thrown in prison, we did a hidden camera dealio for the news, but I think it got killed for being to risky, legally)... so while talking IS hard...
NOT talking, not doing, standing idly by, well, that's orders of magnitude harder for me; I've always had more courage than sense!
Absofuckinglutely Tove. Second this a million times over.
Also, I'm so glad you're here in the comments, too, because I wanted to reach out to say how incredibly important folks like you are for all those who fall through all the gaps in our systems of care. People who believe it when someone says they are in trouble, or need to tell them something that they fear will be dismissed.
Reading about your fosterlings, and care for those in the queer community that have lost families in the process makes me so grateful for all the people like you who sacrifice so much for those who have nowhere else to go.
While no doubt rewarding, I'm sure it comes at a huge cost sometimes too. I hope you are surrounded with care too.
Thank you so much.. the irony of reading in the herald* this morning of a trans teen starving to death alone in emergency accommodation because their "parents" didn't actually want a child, both broke my heart, and just reinforced why I do what I do. I just wish I could've helped them.
There is a personal cost, and I haven't always been able to help enough, I've lost many people sadly.
I've been through so pretty fucking intense trauma myself, and as much as I wish those things hadn't happened too me, I can't deny they helped shape me and what I do. There's always a cost, but it's ALWAYS worth it.... I've always had more courage than sense lol.
Thank you for your kind words, and thank you again Dylan... I blushed reading this, and feel somewhat... arrogant, for lack of a better term, for sharing and commenting, but it's such an important peice as it tells the whole story, as it happened.
I also can't help feeling a certain sad irony that the day the story about a 17 year old trans/NB teen that starved to death breaks, also happens to be the day my beloved NB child turns 17... a tale of opposites, I suppose.
Thank you all so fucking much, I've just written a generic thank you as my phone/email/every sm app has been blowing up and I just can't get to everyone!
I am a counsellor who has previously worked with sex offenders in a rehabilitative capacity. While it's comforting to frame these men as deviant monsters, this is becoming disturbingly common.
Please do not doubt that I think this man's offending is horrific, it is, and he is responsible for it. However it also points to a deep problem in our society and our relationship to pornography which is not neutral.
I now primarily work with victims of sexual harm and hear every day the outcome of young men being socialised into a violent and dehumanizing culture regarding sex. This problem is epidemic in New Zealand.
It also worries me that the permanent "scarlet letter" and shunning from society could end up leading those who would like to make amends and change themselves for the better to prevent them from really being able to do so and instead encourage further transgressions. It's a hard line to define and understand, but in order for me to keep my sanity and belief in humanity I have to believe that there is good to be done in supporting those who may have done something wrong in the past, but are truly looking to be better going forward. And that's hard when you previously knew them and something like this changes your historic perspective (and I've had several of these in the last few years). It's going to change the overall perspective about them but I feel like there's still value in trying to help someone who's trying to be a better person going forward - not ignorant of their history but also not painting them solely and completely with it.
On the other hand, if someone has caused harm to unwilling participants and is still trying to deflect and disclaim responsibility, that's really hard to say that they are making any sort of effort towards personal improvement and would be worthy of that support.
Yes as a world we aren't really good at doing transformative justice yet. We tend to swing between harsh exclusion and minimisation and enabling. However the fundamental first step is someone needs to be able to acknowledge they have caused harm.
And I have no idea how to actually address that problem or have any solutions, just to recognize that it's out there. I'm glad there are people like you involved and thinking about it and hopefully helping all of us move in a net positive direction for society at large.
But this person hasn’t shown any actions of trying to be a better person so I think your last points are more relevant. Also, The Scarlett Letter is about shame and having sex and children out of wedlock. Not abusing children. Giving this dude the scarlet letter to wear would be an insult to Hester Prynne.
I agree with what I think your overall point is, we really won’t get anywhere with GBV if we do not really do anything for prevention, help after abuse, etc. and look at everything with the same level of disgust - I think this tends to be an important issue with more mainstream media (I hate that term but hope you know what I mean) and not with Webworm which I think extends a lot of humanity to those who typically may not receive that. I’m also much more concerned about the victims who are often forgotten quickly while the offenders get a lot of focus.
My reference was intended to the abstract concept of exclusion and ostracism portrayed as the fundamentals to the story and used in wider circumstances, not to the literary details of the novel itself. Pushing people to the fringes of society rarely encourages them to change.
We do have a lot of challenges in the way reporting media choose to focus on the more sensationalist aspects and not necessarily to the aspects which gave the greatest societal benefit, regardless of how much engagement that generates with their audience. I think we are all used to seeing that engagement rules the day, or the old “if it bleeds, it leads”.
Coming back to this after thinking about it more - I do not think there is anything particularly abstract about what happens in this novel and Raj would not be Hester here, he would be the priest. The victims of this abuse are the ones who bear the scarlet letter and are cast out from society. I didn't presume anyone was actually going into the stocks per the literary details of the novel.
I agree there are many challenges in how the media reports on GBV and I think the idea of what is good for societal benefit is what destroys victims and ensures they are afterthoughts. We live in a world where sensationalism is part of society, so it takes those who stand up against it to really do something. I do not think this is relevant on Webworm's reporting and I do not think this is reported in a "if it bleeds, it leads" way - this reporting is actually drastically different than a lot of reporting.
Absolutely understand and I do agree with you though I think this story has no remorse behind it from the offender and is personal on knowing the person, so it is different than the typical beat crime reporting which is typically insane trauma voyeurism.
Yeah, totally agree with Gaayathri. Please can we stop calling these men monsters. They are humans. They are pretty ordinary humans. If we keep seeing them as separate and different, we're never going to address the underlying problems in society. All the men who sexually harmed me were nice guys, had friends, some were very involved in social justice and their friends would likely describe them as feminist. Most of us are likely not going to have to decide what to do if we know a friend has had police come around with a warrant, because most of these men are never going to face police or the justice system. I'm not curious about why people didn't explore the ick feeling or suspect something was going on with this individual. It's so often part of these stories. What I'm curious about is when we're going to hear more from all the men who are somewhere on the spectrum between "monster" and "saint"/"hero" or whatever would be at the other end of this division of humanity. Because "monster" makes it an us and them thing, and gets in the way of us facing up to how we are part of and maintaining the system that harms everyone. So many of us shared our #MeToo or #IAmSomeome stories and men in our lives were shocked that these experiences were so common. How many stopped and thought about how common it must be to be someone who has sexually harmed someone? Or do y'all actually think it's just a tiny number of monsters, and this is like a real life game of One Night Werewolf and we just have to find out who it is. Turn over your cards. Surprise, this round it's Raj! He didn't just get allocated a random card though. What happened in his life that made him turn down this path? What got in the way of him seeking help? What kept drawing him on? And when are we going to have the other side of the #MeToo story. The one when all the nice guys share their stories about that time when they didn't respect someone's boundaries, or didn't know if they had enthusiastic consent, and tell us what they're doing to reflect and repair and make sure their friends or brothers or sons or students don't make the same mistakes they did. Maybe the last line in the intro should be about "what to look out for in ourselves."
Thank you Fionn, this is the most insightful and important comment I've ever read on Webworm. Thank you for writing it.
The men who harmed me were extremely likeable, charismatic, successful in their fields. They would listen to my problems, be a shoulder to cry on. One of them has been made public but the other, who harmed me more severely, hasn't. And I know that if I outed him now, the public would side with him because he has spent decades being a nice guy to probably almost everyone else he knows.
The other of these men promised to go public about his experience of harming, being outed, feeling remorse, and making changes. It's been four years and I'm still waiting.
I don't see us really getting anywhere on this issue until men all over that spectrum get honest and join the conversation.
I'm sad that you went through these kinds of experiences too Lydia. It's so awful when they were someone you went to for support. I invited one person to a restorative justice process through Project Restore. He said he was willing to meet with me but not through that organisation, which made me think that he wasn't really going to be able to acknowledge what he did. And I couldn't do it without the support of PR. Writing the letter to him gave me a bit of closure though. I hope the man who made you that promise does go through with what he committed to. I imagine the fact that kind of public remorse about sexual violence is so rare could be a barrier for some people. Which brings me back to... maybe it needs to start with people normalising talking about some of the lower level harms. Sending aroha to you.
Thanks for sharing, Fionn. I think that you're right, there's definitely heaps more room for nuance here and we need to discuss the cultural elements that contribute to the problem or hinder its resolution. I've noticed that as the cultural discussions around consent have shifted, there has been a massive backlash. I imagine part of this has something to do with the number of people who are looking back on their histories and realising they crossed sexual boundaries, violating consent in ways they weren't entirely cognizant of at the time. It seems the fear of being labelled a rapist or sexual predator and the need to maintain one's self-image as a 'good person' causes some to go into complete denial and resistance. They cling to their 'good person' status and suddenly the public conversations become about unfair 'witch hunts' and vindictive people dishonestly claiming victim status. You're right, it shuts down constructive conversation that could go towards figuring out why and how this stuff occurs and preventing it. We just end up with varying levels of perpetrators fearing punishment and ostracism. I know for myself as a victim of assault as a teenager, I have been less concerned about punishment and more with acknowledgment that it actually happened and a willingness to understand why it was so fucked up and the impact it had, and that's by both the perpetrator and society who seems all to quick to dismiss it because of their own discomfort. All of that to say, I think when we write-off people as monsters or sexual predators, it ultimately does a disservice to victims too. It prevents would-be perpetrators from seeking help before they offend, or at any point in the course of their offending, and it means victims have their experiences denied by perpetrators and society because everyone is so worried about the consequences for the perpetrator, which is a direct result of how we talk about it. I don't know what the answers are either, but I agree that how we've dealt with these issues so far hasn't been working.
YES! Thank you Rach for articulating this bit. "All of that to say, I think when we write-off people as monsters or sexual predators, it ultimately does a disservice to victims too." When the people who do the things at the extreme end are framed as monsters, it makes it harder for us to ask for help or speak up or report abuse. It's another thing that makes us doubt ourselves. "Was it really abuse? How could it be, he's a nice guy, he's a feminist, he's not a monster." And sometimes this leads on to "If he's a nice guy, it must have been something I did wrong, that made him do this to me, because nice guys don't do this kind of thing. If I did something wrong, and I made a nice guy to something terrible, maybe I'm the monster." I spent more than a decade feeling like deep down inside I was the monster, and even when I was reassured that I wasn't, it took another decade of therapy before I could actually feel like it wasn't something inherently part of me, and to understand that I am a person who was hurt, when I was young, by men who could have chosen not to hurt me. And even after I came to believe it, the thoughts and feelings still pop up and make life complicated again.
OMG! I felt this in my bones 🥹 I questioned myself for years, too. Does this count? Was it bad enough? Was this my fault? How did I participate? How did I invite this? What is wrong with me that they felt they could do that? Why am I disposable? It took a lot of therapy for me to understand that it wasn't me, too, and even as I finally get it, my brain still goes down that well trodden path sometimes, especially when overwhelmed. This reminds me of David's religion episode when David's guest was asked about whether he still feared hell, and the guest said that his mind still went there sometimes because those experiences run so deep, it's like trying to forget how to ride a bike. But he went on to say that when those thoughts came up, he tried to recognise that that's just his brain trying to take care of him. I feel like it's a bit that way for us, too. These thought patterns run deep and when we're overwhelmed, our brains default back to old ways of seeking safety. For what it's worth, it wasn't you, it was the them, and you most definitely are NOT a monster.
I'm sad that you relate so much, but I'm glad that we know that we're not the only one who has had these kinds of internal struggles! And yes, it's definitely related to some of those religious traumas and sometimes it's all tangled together. For me, being a monster meant that I felt disconnected from God. God was goodness and light and purity. Inside me there was this horrible darkness, so that must be a place God couldn't reach. I eventually connected with some of the text in Isaiah and the psalms of lament that helped me understand that God was there with me in the darkness.
And also, many of the perpetrators of sexual harm have experienced trauma themselves, and some of them may see themselves as monsters. I can't imagine that having that message reinforced is very motivating for reaching out for support.
Honestly, because of the culture we live in, I think most men have perpetrated some form of sexual harm, usually unknowingly. And this is deeply painful to face up to. So I think you are right about the backlash factor.
The vast majority of sexual harm that happens is very mundane, in the sense that it is not extremely violent or in other ways extreme. That does not mean it isn't actually harmful though.
Getting to grips with what it means to treat the people we have sex with as actual human beings is a real reckoning we all have to face up to.
If anyone is interested, there is a podcast called LA Not So Confidential that is hosted by two forensic psychologists who worked with sex offenders for years. They do a three part series about internet facilitated sexual offences (episodes 47, 48, & 49). They do not include gratuitous graphic details. They do go into what is normal sexual attraction and what isn't, and they include clinical definitions of what constitutes paedophilia and hebephilia, and provide some detail about the differences between offenders and how some are career offenders and some are not but have offended in times of stress. So you get some insight into what can be treated and rehabilitated and what can't.
I started to reply to someone else's comment, but actually I don't want to engage with that commenter directly so adding some more thoughts here. All babies are innocent, and not monsters. I don't believe any are born evil. Some people experience trauma, and some of them perpetuate harm through acts that could be called monstrous. Some of them get caught up in monstrous ideology and stop seeing their victims as human. Some of them get lead down a dark path by a monstrous algorithm in our monstrous patriarchal capitalist society and become numb to the harm they are part of. When I read stories like this, I wonder what is getting in the way of the person feeling and expressing remorse. Whatever it is, I hope he manages to find a way to get through the barriers, get help, and be part of some sort of restorative process. I also understand why people would want to think of him as a monster, and those close to him might not be able to feel any compassion for him. If you have been directly harmed by someone and it's helping you to cope with the situation to think of them as less than human, I support you doing whatever you need to do to get through and recover. I hope that all those who have been harmed by his behaviour find healing and the support that they need. I'm not saying the things he did were not terrible, or that he didn't need to face consequences for that behaviour. I'm just pointing out that some of the language we use about these cases is problematic. For people who are not closely personally connected, and who have a public platform, I'm asking for some reflection on this. Other people are agreeing with me, but there seems to be a significant gender imbalance in the likes I've received (at least going on the gender usually associated with the names). I wonder why that would be? Anyway, I'm glad that David is willing to listen. I know it can be hard when you're trying to do something good and help people and then someone says "actually this tiny detail of what you did isn't really helpful, and you can do better." That can feel uncomfortable or annoying or even hurt. So thanks for being willing to engage, David. And now I'm going to try and resist the urge to reply to anyone else who isn't willing to do the same.
I find it difficult because I’m one of 4 siblings. Two boys and 2 girls. My brother (deceased) who was a year younger than me was a psychopathic narcissist and pathological liar. He was violent, all of us bear scars from him. He broke my collarbone when I was 4. I expected him to end up in jail, having seriously injured someone. He was banned from his second wife’s family Christmas after he beat someone so badly they ended up in hospital. He did that because he was asleep on the floor and the guy stepped over him. Our family wasn’t perfect but the other 3 of us are nothing like him. He died aged 60 from kidney and liver failure due to alcoholism.
Thank you Fionn. I’ve worked with child sex offenders in a past professional life. But only after they’ve been caught, and I’m managing their suicide risk . Often they are very ordinary. I’ve found the road to taking any real responsibility is very long and arduous. They’re so caught up in layers of excuses it’s painful to watch. But they are not monsters; if anything they’re pathetic
Yeah, thank you, Karen. What I know from experts on this is that it is basically not really known ow effective therapy is here as far as preventing the desire to offend but the commitment to therapy and not offending or re-offending is the most important indicator typically of someone who may really be able to at least not engage in this behavior going forward. Apologize if that was a word salad - lmk if it doesn't make sense!
I'm struggling with, and vehemently disagree with parts of what you've said - mostly because my the words '6 month old' are screaming at me, in my head over and over. I'm writing this comment so I don't reactionary post, so I can read the comments surrounding again and come back with a more insightful comment if I'm up to it, or a graceful silence. I'm really sorry for your experiences Fionn. It's fucked up, I definately agree with you on the ordinary humans part.
It’s good that it is screaming in your head. That means you are not numb. My mind struggles to even rest on that detail – it is horrifying, distressing, and terrifying to think about as a parent. I’m open to different perspectives about the language we use to talk about people involved. There may be an angle I haven’t considered. And to be clear, although I said “can we stop,” I was actually mainly wanting to say this to people publishing or reporting on a public platform. I work with people who have experienced sexual harm, and sometimes with people who are perpetrators, but if that is the main issue they need to work on I would refer them to an agency with specialists in that area. I have no professional experience of psychopathy, but that would be an interesting perspective to hear; what language do people who work in treating and preventing psychopathy think is helpful to use in reporting? (I'm definitely not saying that this label is relevant to Raj, I am just thinking of that as the extreme end of the spectrum of people that get referred to as monsters). Anyway, I’m interested to hear your thoughts. My questions would be why have we chosen that word? What connotations does it bring and what ideas does it reinforce? Who does it help to call people monsters and why does it help them? Does it harm anyone or have other downsides? But this is not a hill I'm going to die on.
I only emotionally managed to read your reply now Fionn! There's an expansive net of childhood sex abuse within one side of my family, and similar with a close friend of mine so I shut down for a bit there. I'll come back and read through properly when I've more space, I'm interested in reading through what you've said in full 🌷
I'm a little, er, in amongst it right now, but let me think this over. I hear your point.
I can't speak for Dylan, but I am the editor here so it's on me.
What struck me about this piece is this idea of finding out a person you knew - and their morals and values and being - are suddenly something else entirely. And for me, monster does that lifting. I only think of monsters in terms of humans.
But language is important and I need to wrap my head around this to sort my thoughts out.
One of the definitions of the word monster is 'an inhumanly cruel or wicked person'. It's an appropriate word to use here, it isn't limited to fictional creatures.
I guess I figured you wrote the heading but maybe contributors get to do that. Anyway, thanks for thinking about it. Yeah, language is super important.
Also, while the term monster might convey that to you, for me reading "I found out that a likable person I hung out with turned out to be a monster" conjures up something that could be part of an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. On the other hand "I found out that a likable person I hung out with had been distributing horrific images of sexual exploitation of children" makes me relate to the story and understand how uncomfortable and disturbing that would be.
Monster has more than one meaning. One of those meanings is "an inhumanly cruel or wicked person." This meaning, in my opinion, absolutely applies to someone who presents themselves as a likeable individual while collecting and distributing horrific images of child abuse.
Perhaps you should bear in mind that words do have multiple definitions instead of trying to restrict their usage.
I am well aware that the word is used like that. I think perhaps people choose to use it like that because of the connotations it has and what those connotations can evoke. Language and ideas that make the world seem simple, black and white, battles of good over evil, can often give people a sense of certainty or security. I think people often have an impulse to create distance from people or groups that are causing harm, and see them as other. However widespread it is in language, I think it's problematic using the word monster in this way in journalism, for reasons which several of us (including people with relevant lived experience and professional expertise) have explained. What do you think it adds using this word in an article like this? How is it helpful to have it used like this in reporting/media?
I also agree about the term “monster” leading to dehumanizing and avoiding looking deeper at a person, just like when people use the word “evil.” It is understandable to say they did monstrous acts but to call someone evil or monster can imply, and for some does imply “demonic possession.” I am not an expert in psychopathy and there is always the nature vs. nurture debate, but I agree it might help to include looking at the things in society that might birth these “monsters.”
Let’s say hypothetically, I have known a guy since we were young that honestly if I heard he was a predator, it is horrible to say that I would not be surprised. He is married with kids and job and community ties and I have no evidence at all. But he did date much younger girls back in the day and I dunno, just the way he tells stories and a feeling he could be “damaged” from his own molestation on a playground when he was very young. His family never got him therapy and he looks great to us all on the surface now but if anyone had fears about their own trauma and behavior, or someone they know, what does our society allow for prevention of repeating trauma?
This is a horrifying, but necessary read. Thanks Dylan. I hope Alex and Chris especially are able to find peace.
I can actually believe he wanted those videos from his friends for his own mental health, so to speak. 'Tell me what a good person I am before you find out what I'm really like.' Perfect for someone who views other people as props.
I share your fascination with narcissists, David. Their way of thinking and conception of the world is so different, it's almost like observing an alien species. It's all part of the inherent unknowability of other people that can become a little terrifying if you dwell on it too long.
It could have been for his own mental health, but I have very clearly seen those types of anecdotes used as "character reference" content in legal proceedings in the hopes of showing that the offender has "support from the community" and should be given a reduced sentence based on that. It would have been even worse if those had been used and then were disclaimed by the contributor as having been generated under false pretenses, so that could be an additional reason they were not formally presented, or that the content available was insufficient to try and show the level of support they wanted to portray. I've had times that I've been asked to show support for an individual and some have been more challenging arguments for me to make with myself than others.
Yeah, I'm fairly certain they were to be used for character references. I did tell the detective in charge and I know he spoke to people, but sadly the hidden wheels of justice are hard to be specific about..
Oh dang, so that is how he was getting folks to make videos for the character references for sentencing and that is how he framed it instead? Trying to make sure I understand here.
Also, always here if you need to talk, I read CSAM charges in an arrest warrant a few years ago and I was absolutely not expecting they would describe the videos but it makes logical sense for needing to get an arrest warrant. Horrific though and really messed with me for a while. I had been a victim in a case years before that and thought I was used to reading things about GBV and was absolutely not expecting what I read. Kids as young as 6, my friend who asked me if I was sure I might want to read the arrest complaint was a federal appellate attorney, so she saw a lot in her daily job. Afterwards, when she told me that was actually mild for what they ended up seeing and I was just horrified.
Basically, yes. He sent out a mass email to his friends, myself included, asking for us to record ourselves saying wonderful things about him, his importance to us and the community. Luckily they were never used in court, I'm not sure they would've been allowed, but after we told the cops the situation, they spoke to counsel to make sure they wouldn't be.
Thank you for your offer, I am a trained peer support worker, and have a lot of experience in the sexual violence area, sadly.
Unfortunately, I'm so sick, for the last 7/8 years I've had to have between 3-7 surgeries a year, and I usually only get a few days notice...that there's not much part time work for someone like me sadly.
But he didn't mention anything about the court case or anything like that? That is really fucked up. Yeah, I mean he sounds more like he probably has one of Cluster B anti-social personality disorders. I know we really shouldn't be trying to diagnose anyone but in general, the charisma and manipulation and lack of remorse fits that all pretty well.
The judge is the one who usually decides whether those letters have any weight (that is how it works in the US) and luckily, the judge sounds like they could see through all of his BS. I think it is a strategy for offenders who are not sorry at all to typically not mention the victims because they instead are trying to get the judge to relate to them and empathize with them but yeah, typically the defense counsel makes the requests too but the suppression stuff in NZ really changes I think how this all works. Absolutely they would not be able to use something where they hadn't made folks aware of what the reason for them was like that. JFC that is shady.
Yeah, no one outside a few of us, knew anything about what was going on when he sent that request out, and I know that several people DID make videos for him, to great distress when finding out what he was intending on doing, or even that he had them to stroke his ego or whatever... it gives the ick, has been the general response.
Luckily we can assure people that it wasn't used in court proceedings, although I am sorry for those who DID make them, both because of the betrayal, but also that it would've stroked his ego, and possibly even convinced himself how great he was....
I do wish i could help with that hurt, however betrayal like that can be a pretty lonely process too unpack. I can only help by putting the offer of "what do you need" out there, and do my best to do that that needs to be done.
(Just as an aside for anyone ever circling back to this - in the story "Alex*" has been change to "Nic*" to avoid conflating this story with another recent Webworm with another Alex!)
To the victims, the forgotten victims, the ones Raj didn't see as humans, the descriptions of abuse that had me nearly yakking in a courtroom, the ones that survived, the many who likely didn't; I wish you freedom, I wish you hope.
While you did post it twice, your words are excellent enough to be read twice!
I'm sorry for what you've gone through - it must have been such a shock to find out a close friend was doing such hideous things in secret.
I hope and pray that you and the other friends of Raj don't feel any guilt in not having seen this coming. It's a level of evil we don't expect to encounter in our own lives.
There's the original one here from about 20 minutes earlier: https://www.webworm.co/p/themonsteryouknow/comment/124964207 so you could delete this one if you don't want it twice. But it's also such an important statement to have made that twice is probably appropriate.
As a new mum and a woman who reads the news regularly the idea that someone close to me could be actively engaging in or pursuing CSA content is terrifying, something I lie awake worrying about in the night. It feels like my job as a mother is to not only safeguard my baby from accidents, preventable diseases, dietary related problems, sun burn (the standards) but from this dark hard-to-see very real threat and it terrifies me. I can imagine the horror these close friends felt.
My 6 month old baby girl is sitting in my lap right now and I had a visceral reaction to the line about the age of the victims. She's so innocent and she has never known pain or evil and I hate that there are people out there that revel in that.
One the hardest things I've ever had to do was put my baby in the hands of others so I could go back to work. I was also dealing with a pretty bad case of post partum anxiety and depression, which lead to OCD. The feeling of being completely helpless to know everything that happened in your baby's life while they weren't with you... And it doesn't get any easier. She's nearly 8 now and I still worry. Even more so now that I have worked with CSA victims. But we have clear and open conversations about consent, about safety, about sex even, if only to talk about how it's only for adults and never for children. The fear doesn't leave, unfortunately, but it gets easier to deal with.
The best thing we can do is keep having open conversations with our kids. That is what helps most in the long run.
I have had to reckon with being in the company of someone who turned out to be a monster beyond comprehension, but in my case it was a teacher in my high school. It really rattles something deep inside you. He only ended up getting 2 years in jail and 3 on probation when they found 70,000 images and 180 hours of the most horrific abuse the judge had ever witnessed. It's beyond comprehension.
I hope everyone who knew him and was affected by his actions is able to find healing and peace.
So disturbing and I’m glad his plea for permanent name suppression wasn’t granted. Reading this reminds me of two podcasts, one is Hunting Warhead and the other is The Children in the Pictures. Both are about investigations into the exchange of child sexual abuse material on the dark web. The investigations lead to finding some of the perpetrators and victims involved, and just like this story, all of the surrounding people had no idea. Some say, in retrospect, they felt like something was off but never imagined it was something like this. The idea that people we know well could be so deceptive, so effectively is terrifying.
Sex offenders don’t change. Raj just got caught - again. He was undoubtedly offending all his life. The other thing I came here to say is - I think New Zealand has things completely arse about face with suppression. It really annoys me that so many people get name suppression. Often this allows them to offend again while waiting for the court process. Nowhere else in the world has such far reaching suppression laws. These were revised some years back but it still seems like if you have good lawyers you can keep suppression for years or forever. In the nz herald reporting, someone said they were glad that Raj didn’t seem to have abused any kids he knew. I found that jarring.
I understand supression.... but after he was convicted I have NO idea why it was allowed too stick. It meant that we had to wait over a year for it to finally be lifted at the sentencing hearing... but justice, well, her wheels grind slow.
I absolutely get that. The victims should be able to rely on suppression. My beef is that it’s overused in NZ. There’s the guy who had sexually assaulted (I think 2) girls. While he was on bail and waiting for the court process he offended again. The girls/women were gutted. If you have money, or your family does, you can go all the way to the Supreme Court. James Wallace had suppression for 5 years! The threshold is hardship but as soon as the District or High Court rules against suppression the lawyers say there will be an appeal and it continues. I also understand in the case where it might prejudice later cases, like the slug who killed Grace Millane.
Two weeks ago, I had an experience with someone that I thought was my friend that left me thinking he has done some (sexually) bad things. I already know he's done some questionable things. He actually keeps texting me and I still haven't decided how to reply.
The huge difference between my friend and Raj is, shame. I think my friend is addicted to both sex and alcohol and he feels huge amounts of shame about the things he does. A lot of his shame is misplaced but it's very obvious that he is conflicted about the things he does. He doesn't like giving in to his compulsions. I think he hates himself.
People like Raj -- and I've met at least one -- are even more dangerous. They operate with no shame. Everything is about self-preservation. They are narcissists. They are sociopaths.
Both this story about Raj and what is going on with my friend make me realize that there are a lot of men with very similar problems & ways of thinking. It's scary as fuck. After dealing with my friend, I had this HOLY FUCK moment where I realized some of his behaviors were a lot like an ex-boyfriend's. And, his relationship with sex was a lot like my father's.
To those who knew this monster, or any of the similar monsters who hide in plain sight, don't blame yourselves for not seeing through their mask of normality. The fact that you didn't is a reflection of the good in you, not a failing. These people work hard to hide their true selves in order to do the terrible things they do. It is absolutely not your fault that they were successful in doing so. The true reflection of your character comes from what you did once you learned the truth - acted to warn and protect others, distanced yourself from the perpetrator, and did not protect them. And for that, you are all awesome.
These always make me feel sick; my skin crawls, and I'm so damn angry. Thank you for writing this. Years ago, I tried to write about the paedophile that I caught and went to the police, but it ripped me apart so much I ended up on a plane landed in the Kings Cross in Sydney shooting up herion as a responce to the hell that is tryng to get rid of them when you find one in your friednship group. That happened back in 1995. They are all paedos by the way. Having photos is all part of the bigger picture. The one I knew was a nurse on children's wards, and we were young mums, and he was a friend of one of the mums. We had all met in a support group, not him; he was on the outside. Same as this story, nobody knew, and it was a large friendship group. I was the only one who sensed it becase of my childhood I have a sense for these fuckwits a mile away. Going up against your friends is hell. Years later (I wont go into it here as it also triggering as f**k) a detective friend told me that the reason it broke me was because I did it all alone, he said in the police when someone goes undercover the have the entire department and a special team to support them. I had no one while I collected all the evidence to take to the police. They all live double lives. There is so much about them that is all the dam same. They are all narcissists who need to make other people feel like they are in the wrong. Going against them sucked so much life out of me I still strugggle to talk about that time. I am so pleased they caught this c**t. I am so sorry for all the victims and their families; this will haunt them forever. The pedo I caught used to take my friends' toddler children out on 'outings', but really took them to a studio to take photos of them. It was the photos that I found that I took to the police.
Thank you so much Dave, and Dylan especially.
To the victims, the forgotten victims, the ones Raj didn't see as humans, the descriptions of abuse that had me nearly yakking in a courtroom, the ones that survived, the many who likely didn't;
I wish you freedom, I wish you hope.
You are more than images on a screen.
Arohanui and Kia Kaha.
Thanks for being here in these comments, Tove - and for talking to Dylan. I know this stuff isn't easy.
Thanks Dave, truly. And thank you Dylan, I'm still blushing!
I know you're vaguely aware of some of my history (we first worked together back around 2008 when I was pretending to be a neonazi, doing the work of the cops for them, getting multiple nazis thrown in prison, we did a hidden camera dealio for the news, but I think it got killed for being to risky, legally)... so while talking IS hard...
NOT talking, not doing, standing idly by, well, that's orders of magnitude harder for me; I've always had more courage than sense!
Kia Ora
Absofuckinglutely Tove. Second this a million times over.
Also, I'm so glad you're here in the comments, too, because I wanted to reach out to say how incredibly important folks like you are for all those who fall through all the gaps in our systems of care. People who believe it when someone says they are in trouble, or need to tell them something that they fear will be dismissed.
Reading about your fosterlings, and care for those in the queer community that have lost families in the process makes me so grateful for all the people like you who sacrifice so much for those who have nowhere else to go.
While no doubt rewarding, I'm sure it comes at a huge cost sometimes too. I hope you are surrounded with care too.
Thank you so much.. the irony of reading in the herald* this morning of a trans teen starving to death alone in emergency accommodation because their "parents" didn't actually want a child, both broke my heart, and just reinforced why I do what I do. I just wish I could've helped them.
There is a personal cost, and I haven't always been able to help enough, I've lost many people sadly.
I've been through so pretty fucking intense trauma myself, and as much as I wish those things hadn't happened too me, I can't deny they helped shape me and what I do. There's always a cost, but it's ALWAYS worth it.... I've always had more courage than sense lol.
Thank you for your kind words, and thank you again Dylan... I blushed reading this, and feel somewhat... arrogant, for lack of a better term, for sharing and commenting, but it's such an important peice as it tells the whole story, as it happened.
Arohanui
*https://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/teenager-starves-to-death-alone-in-emergency-accommodation/OURIR5HBBREG3LFZE3N5F4OPJI/
I also can't help feeling a certain sad irony that the day the story about a 17 year old trans/NB teen that starved to death breaks, also happens to be the day my beloved NB child turns 17... a tale of opposites, I suppose.
Thank you all so fucking much, I've just written a generic thank you as my phone/email/every sm app has been blowing up and I just can't get to everyone!
https://substack.com/@tove490184/note/c-125331324
I am a counsellor who has previously worked with sex offenders in a rehabilitative capacity. While it's comforting to frame these men as deviant monsters, this is becoming disturbingly common.
As seen in this article here https://www.theguardian.com/society/2025/apr/05/i-didnt-start-out-wanting-to-see-kids-are-porn-algorithms-feeding-a-generation-of-paedophiles-or-creating-one
Please do not doubt that I think this man's offending is horrific, it is, and he is responsible for it. However it also points to a deep problem in our society and our relationship to pornography which is not neutral.
I now primarily work with victims of sexual harm and hear every day the outcome of young men being socialised into a violent and dehumanizing culture regarding sex. This problem is epidemic in New Zealand.
It also worries me that the permanent "scarlet letter" and shunning from society could end up leading those who would like to make amends and change themselves for the better to prevent them from really being able to do so and instead encourage further transgressions. It's a hard line to define and understand, but in order for me to keep my sanity and belief in humanity I have to believe that there is good to be done in supporting those who may have done something wrong in the past, but are truly looking to be better going forward. And that's hard when you previously knew them and something like this changes your historic perspective (and I've had several of these in the last few years). It's going to change the overall perspective about them but I feel like there's still value in trying to help someone who's trying to be a better person going forward - not ignorant of their history but also not painting them solely and completely with it.
On the other hand, if someone has caused harm to unwilling participants and is still trying to deflect and disclaim responsibility, that's really hard to say that they are making any sort of effort towards personal improvement and would be worthy of that support.
Yes as a world we aren't really good at doing transformative justice yet. We tend to swing between harsh exclusion and minimisation and enabling. However the fundamental first step is someone needs to be able to acknowledge they have caused harm.
And I have no idea how to actually address that problem or have any solutions, just to recognize that it's out there. I'm glad there are people like you involved and thinking about it and hopefully helping all of us move in a net positive direction for society at large.
But this person hasn’t shown any actions of trying to be a better person so I think your last points are more relevant. Also, The Scarlett Letter is about shame and having sex and children out of wedlock. Not abusing children. Giving this dude the scarlet letter to wear would be an insult to Hester Prynne.
I agree with what I think your overall point is, we really won’t get anywhere with GBV if we do not really do anything for prevention, help after abuse, etc. and look at everything with the same level of disgust - I think this tends to be an important issue with more mainstream media (I hate that term but hope you know what I mean) and not with Webworm which I think extends a lot of humanity to those who typically may not receive that. I’m also much more concerned about the victims who are often forgotten quickly while the offenders get a lot of focus.
My reference was intended to the abstract concept of exclusion and ostracism portrayed as the fundamentals to the story and used in wider circumstances, not to the literary details of the novel itself. Pushing people to the fringes of society rarely encourages them to change.
We do have a lot of challenges in the way reporting media choose to focus on the more sensationalist aspects and not necessarily to the aspects which gave the greatest societal benefit, regardless of how much engagement that generates with their audience. I think we are all used to seeing that engagement rules the day, or the old “if it bleeds, it leads”.
Coming back to this after thinking about it more - I do not think there is anything particularly abstract about what happens in this novel and Raj would not be Hester here, he would be the priest. The victims of this abuse are the ones who bear the scarlet letter and are cast out from society. I didn't presume anyone was actually going into the stocks per the literary details of the novel.
I agree there are many challenges in how the media reports on GBV and I think the idea of what is good for societal benefit is what destroys victims and ensures they are afterthoughts. We live in a world where sensationalism is part of society, so it takes those who stand up against it to really do something. I do not think this is relevant on Webworm's reporting and I do not think this is reported in a "if it bleeds, it leads" way - this reporting is actually drastically different than a lot of reporting.
Absolutely understand and I do agree with you though I think this story has no remorse behind it from the offender and is personal on knowing the person, so it is different than the typical beat crime reporting which is typically insane trauma voyeurism.
Thanks for sharing that link. It's terrifying, but some glimmers of hope in there as well.
Yeah, totally agree with Gaayathri. Please can we stop calling these men monsters. They are humans. They are pretty ordinary humans. If we keep seeing them as separate and different, we're never going to address the underlying problems in society. All the men who sexually harmed me were nice guys, had friends, some were very involved in social justice and their friends would likely describe them as feminist. Most of us are likely not going to have to decide what to do if we know a friend has had police come around with a warrant, because most of these men are never going to face police or the justice system. I'm not curious about why people didn't explore the ick feeling or suspect something was going on with this individual. It's so often part of these stories. What I'm curious about is when we're going to hear more from all the men who are somewhere on the spectrum between "monster" and "saint"/"hero" or whatever would be at the other end of this division of humanity. Because "monster" makes it an us and them thing, and gets in the way of us facing up to how we are part of and maintaining the system that harms everyone. So many of us shared our #MeToo or #IAmSomeome stories and men in our lives were shocked that these experiences were so common. How many stopped and thought about how common it must be to be someone who has sexually harmed someone? Or do y'all actually think it's just a tiny number of monsters, and this is like a real life game of One Night Werewolf and we just have to find out who it is. Turn over your cards. Surprise, this round it's Raj! He didn't just get allocated a random card though. What happened in his life that made him turn down this path? What got in the way of him seeking help? What kept drawing him on? And when are we going to have the other side of the #MeToo story. The one when all the nice guys share their stories about that time when they didn't respect someone's boundaries, or didn't know if they had enthusiastic consent, and tell us what they're doing to reflect and repair and make sure their friends or brothers or sons or students don't make the same mistakes they did. Maybe the last line in the intro should be about "what to look out for in ourselves."
Thank you Fionn, this is the most insightful and important comment I've ever read on Webworm. Thank you for writing it.
The men who harmed me were extremely likeable, charismatic, successful in their fields. They would listen to my problems, be a shoulder to cry on. One of them has been made public but the other, who harmed me more severely, hasn't. And I know that if I outed him now, the public would side with him because he has spent decades being a nice guy to probably almost everyone else he knows.
The other of these men promised to go public about his experience of harming, being outed, feeling remorse, and making changes. It's been four years and I'm still waiting.
I don't see us really getting anywhere on this issue until men all over that spectrum get honest and join the conversation.
I'm sad that you went through these kinds of experiences too Lydia. It's so awful when they were someone you went to for support. I invited one person to a restorative justice process through Project Restore. He said he was willing to meet with me but not through that organisation, which made me think that he wasn't really going to be able to acknowledge what he did. And I couldn't do it without the support of PR. Writing the letter to him gave me a bit of closure though. I hope the man who made you that promise does go through with what he committed to. I imagine the fact that kind of public remorse about sexual violence is so rare could be a barrier for some people. Which brings me back to... maybe it needs to start with people normalising talking about some of the lower level harms. Sending aroha to you.
Thanks for sharing, Fionn. I think that you're right, there's definitely heaps more room for nuance here and we need to discuss the cultural elements that contribute to the problem or hinder its resolution. I've noticed that as the cultural discussions around consent have shifted, there has been a massive backlash. I imagine part of this has something to do with the number of people who are looking back on their histories and realising they crossed sexual boundaries, violating consent in ways they weren't entirely cognizant of at the time. It seems the fear of being labelled a rapist or sexual predator and the need to maintain one's self-image as a 'good person' causes some to go into complete denial and resistance. They cling to their 'good person' status and suddenly the public conversations become about unfair 'witch hunts' and vindictive people dishonestly claiming victim status. You're right, it shuts down constructive conversation that could go towards figuring out why and how this stuff occurs and preventing it. We just end up with varying levels of perpetrators fearing punishment and ostracism. I know for myself as a victim of assault as a teenager, I have been less concerned about punishment and more with acknowledgment that it actually happened and a willingness to understand why it was so fucked up and the impact it had, and that's by both the perpetrator and society who seems all to quick to dismiss it because of their own discomfort. All of that to say, I think when we write-off people as monsters or sexual predators, it ultimately does a disservice to victims too. It prevents would-be perpetrators from seeking help before they offend, or at any point in the course of their offending, and it means victims have their experiences denied by perpetrators and society because everyone is so worried about the consequences for the perpetrator, which is a direct result of how we talk about it. I don't know what the answers are either, but I agree that how we've dealt with these issues so far hasn't been working.
YES! Thank you Rach for articulating this bit. "All of that to say, I think when we write-off people as monsters or sexual predators, it ultimately does a disservice to victims too." When the people who do the things at the extreme end are framed as monsters, it makes it harder for us to ask for help or speak up or report abuse. It's another thing that makes us doubt ourselves. "Was it really abuse? How could it be, he's a nice guy, he's a feminist, he's not a monster." And sometimes this leads on to "If he's a nice guy, it must have been something I did wrong, that made him do this to me, because nice guys don't do this kind of thing. If I did something wrong, and I made a nice guy to something terrible, maybe I'm the monster." I spent more than a decade feeling like deep down inside I was the monster, and even when I was reassured that I wasn't, it took another decade of therapy before I could actually feel like it wasn't something inherently part of me, and to understand that I am a person who was hurt, when I was young, by men who could have chosen not to hurt me. And even after I came to believe it, the thoughts and feelings still pop up and make life complicated again.
OMG! I felt this in my bones 🥹 I questioned myself for years, too. Does this count? Was it bad enough? Was this my fault? How did I participate? How did I invite this? What is wrong with me that they felt they could do that? Why am I disposable? It took a lot of therapy for me to understand that it wasn't me, too, and even as I finally get it, my brain still goes down that well trodden path sometimes, especially when overwhelmed. This reminds me of David's religion episode when David's guest was asked about whether he still feared hell, and the guest said that his mind still went there sometimes because those experiences run so deep, it's like trying to forget how to ride a bike. But he went on to say that when those thoughts came up, he tried to recognise that that's just his brain trying to take care of him. I feel like it's a bit that way for us, too. These thought patterns run deep and when we're overwhelmed, our brains default back to old ways of seeking safety. For what it's worth, it wasn't you, it was the them, and you most definitely are NOT a monster.
I'm sad that you relate so much, but I'm glad that we know that we're not the only one who has had these kinds of internal struggles! And yes, it's definitely related to some of those religious traumas and sometimes it's all tangled together. For me, being a monster meant that I felt disconnected from God. God was goodness and light and purity. Inside me there was this horrible darkness, so that must be a place God couldn't reach. I eventually connected with some of the text in Isaiah and the psalms of lament that helped me understand that God was there with me in the darkness.
And also, many of the perpetrators of sexual harm have experienced trauma themselves, and some of them may see themselves as monsters. I can't imagine that having that message reinforced is very motivating for reaching out for support.
Honestly, because of the culture we live in, I think most men have perpetrated some form of sexual harm, usually unknowingly. And this is deeply painful to face up to. So I think you are right about the backlash factor.
The vast majority of sexual harm that happens is very mundane, in the sense that it is not extremely violent or in other ways extreme. That does not mean it isn't actually harmful though.
Getting to grips with what it means to treat the people we have sex with as actual human beings is a real reckoning we all have to face up to.
Absolutely this.
If anyone is interested, there is a podcast called LA Not So Confidential that is hosted by two forensic psychologists who worked with sex offenders for years. They do a three part series about internet facilitated sexual offences (episodes 47, 48, & 49). They do not include gratuitous graphic details. They do go into what is normal sexual attraction and what isn't, and they include clinical definitions of what constitutes paedophilia and hebephilia, and provide some detail about the differences between offenders and how some are career offenders and some are not but have offended in times of stress. So you get some insight into what can be treated and rehabilitated and what can't.
I started to reply to someone else's comment, but actually I don't want to engage with that commenter directly so adding some more thoughts here. All babies are innocent, and not monsters. I don't believe any are born evil. Some people experience trauma, and some of them perpetuate harm through acts that could be called monstrous. Some of them get caught up in monstrous ideology and stop seeing their victims as human. Some of them get lead down a dark path by a monstrous algorithm in our monstrous patriarchal capitalist society and become numb to the harm they are part of. When I read stories like this, I wonder what is getting in the way of the person feeling and expressing remorse. Whatever it is, I hope he manages to find a way to get through the barriers, get help, and be part of some sort of restorative process. I also understand why people would want to think of him as a monster, and those close to him might not be able to feel any compassion for him. If you have been directly harmed by someone and it's helping you to cope with the situation to think of them as less than human, I support you doing whatever you need to do to get through and recover. I hope that all those who have been harmed by his behaviour find healing and the support that they need. I'm not saying the things he did were not terrible, or that he didn't need to face consequences for that behaviour. I'm just pointing out that some of the language we use about these cases is problematic. For people who are not closely personally connected, and who have a public platform, I'm asking for some reflection on this. Other people are agreeing with me, but there seems to be a significant gender imbalance in the likes I've received (at least going on the gender usually associated with the names). I wonder why that would be? Anyway, I'm glad that David is willing to listen. I know it can be hard when you're trying to do something good and help people and then someone says "actually this tiny detail of what you did isn't really helpful, and you can do better." That can feel uncomfortable or annoying or even hurt. So thanks for being willing to engage, David. And now I'm going to try and resist the urge to reply to anyone else who isn't willing to do the same.
I find it difficult because I’m one of 4 siblings. Two boys and 2 girls. My brother (deceased) who was a year younger than me was a psychopathic narcissist and pathological liar. He was violent, all of us bear scars from him. He broke my collarbone when I was 4. I expected him to end up in jail, having seriously injured someone. He was banned from his second wife’s family Christmas after he beat someone so badly they ended up in hospital. He did that because he was asleep on the floor and the guy stepped over him. Our family wasn’t perfect but the other 3 of us are nothing like him. He died aged 60 from kidney and liver failure due to alcoholism.
All of this!!
Thank you Fionn. I’ve worked with child sex offenders in a past professional life. But only after they’ve been caught, and I’m managing their suicide risk . Often they are very ordinary. I’ve found the road to taking any real responsibility is very long and arduous. They’re so caught up in layers of excuses it’s painful to watch. But they are not monsters; if anything they’re pathetic
Yeah, thank you, Karen. What I know from experts on this is that it is basically not really known ow effective therapy is here as far as preventing the desire to offend but the commitment to therapy and not offending or re-offending is the most important indicator typically of someone who may really be able to at least not engage in this behavior going forward. Apologize if that was a word salad - lmk if it doesn't make sense!
I'm struggling with, and vehemently disagree with parts of what you've said - mostly because my the words '6 month old' are screaming at me, in my head over and over. I'm writing this comment so I don't reactionary post, so I can read the comments surrounding again and come back with a more insightful comment if I'm up to it, or a graceful silence. I'm really sorry for your experiences Fionn. It's fucked up, I definately agree with you on the ordinary humans part.
It’s good that it is screaming in your head. That means you are not numb. My mind struggles to even rest on that detail – it is horrifying, distressing, and terrifying to think about as a parent. I’m open to different perspectives about the language we use to talk about people involved. There may be an angle I haven’t considered. And to be clear, although I said “can we stop,” I was actually mainly wanting to say this to people publishing or reporting on a public platform. I work with people who have experienced sexual harm, and sometimes with people who are perpetrators, but if that is the main issue they need to work on I would refer them to an agency with specialists in that area. I have no professional experience of psychopathy, but that would be an interesting perspective to hear; what language do people who work in treating and preventing psychopathy think is helpful to use in reporting? (I'm definitely not saying that this label is relevant to Raj, I am just thinking of that as the extreme end of the spectrum of people that get referred to as monsters). Anyway, I’m interested to hear your thoughts. My questions would be why have we chosen that word? What connotations does it bring and what ideas does it reinforce? Who does it help to call people monsters and why does it help them? Does it harm anyone or have other downsides? But this is not a hill I'm going to die on.
I only emotionally managed to read your reply now Fionn! There's an expansive net of childhood sex abuse within one side of my family, and similar with a close friend of mine so I shut down for a bit there. I'll come back and read through properly when I've more space, I'm interested in reading through what you've said in full 🌷
Also, this is not the first time some of us have said "please don't call them a monster" in the Webworm comments (e.g. https://open.substack.com/pub/webworm/p/tellmeanything?r=aekzt&utm_campaign=comment-list-share-cta&utm_medium=web&comments=true&commentId=5131307). Can you set up something like an auto correct, so if you type monster again it pops up with a warning. Like when outlook notices you forgot to attach something to an email. "It looks like you are trying to insert a fantasy creature. If the writing is nonfiction, you might need to reword this."
I'm a little, er, in amongst it right now, but let me think this over. I hear your point.
I can't speak for Dylan, but I am the editor here so it's on me.
What struck me about this piece is this idea of finding out a person you knew - and their morals and values and being - are suddenly something else entirely. And for me, monster does that lifting. I only think of monsters in terms of humans.
But language is important and I need to wrap my head around this to sort my thoughts out.
Appreciated.
One of the definitions of the word monster is 'an inhumanly cruel or wicked person'. It's an appropriate word to use here, it isn't limited to fictional creatures.
I guess I figured you wrote the heading but maybe contributors get to do that. Anyway, thanks for thinking about it. Yeah, language is super important.
Also, while the term monster might convey that to you, for me reading "I found out that a likable person I hung out with turned out to be a monster" conjures up something that could be part of an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. On the other hand "I found out that a likable person I hung out with had been distributing horrific images of sexual exploitation of children" makes me relate to the story and understand how uncomfortable and disturbing that would be.
Monster has more than one meaning. One of those meanings is "an inhumanly cruel or wicked person." This meaning, in my opinion, absolutely applies to someone who presents themselves as a likeable individual while collecting and distributing horrific images of child abuse.
Perhaps you should bear in mind that words do have multiple definitions instead of trying to restrict their usage.
I am well aware that the word is used like that. I think perhaps people choose to use it like that because of the connotations it has and what those connotations can evoke. Language and ideas that make the world seem simple, black and white, battles of good over evil, can often give people a sense of certainty or security. I think people often have an impulse to create distance from people or groups that are causing harm, and see them as other. However widespread it is in language, I think it's problematic using the word monster in this way in journalism, for reasons which several of us (including people with relevant lived experience and professional expertise) have explained. What do you think it adds using this word in an article like this? How is it helpful to have it used like this in reporting/media?
I also agree about the term “monster” leading to dehumanizing and avoiding looking deeper at a person, just like when people use the word “evil.” It is understandable to say they did monstrous acts but to call someone evil or monster can imply, and for some does imply “demonic possession.” I am not an expert in psychopathy and there is always the nature vs. nurture debate, but I agree it might help to include looking at the things in society that might birth these “monsters.”
Let’s say hypothetically, I have known a guy since we were young that honestly if I heard he was a predator, it is horrible to say that I would not be surprised. He is married with kids and job and community ties and I have no evidence at all. But he did date much younger girls back in the day and I dunno, just the way he tells stories and a feeling he could be “damaged” from his own molestation on a playground when he was very young. His family never got him therapy and he looks great to us all on the surface now but if anyone had fears about their own trauma and behavior, or someone they know, what does our society allow for prevention of repeating trauma?
This is a horrifying, but necessary read. Thanks Dylan. I hope Alex and Chris especially are able to find peace.
I can actually believe he wanted those videos from his friends for his own mental health, so to speak. 'Tell me what a good person I am before you find out what I'm really like.' Perfect for someone who views other people as props.
I share your fascination with narcissists, David. Their way of thinking and conception of the world is so different, it's almost like observing an alien species. It's all part of the inherent unknowability of other people that can become a little terrifying if you dwell on it too long.
It could have been for his own mental health, but I have very clearly seen those types of anecdotes used as "character reference" content in legal proceedings in the hopes of showing that the offender has "support from the community" and should be given a reduced sentence based on that. It would have been even worse if those had been used and then were disclaimed by the contributor as having been generated under false pretenses, so that could be an additional reason they were not formally presented, or that the content available was insufficient to try and show the level of support they wanted to portray. I've had times that I've been asked to show support for an individual and some have been more challenging arguments for me to make with myself than others.
Yeah, I'm fairly certain they were to be used for character references. I did tell the detective in charge and I know he spoke to people, but sadly the hidden wheels of justice are hard to be specific about..
Oh dang, so that is how he was getting folks to make videos for the character references for sentencing and that is how he framed it instead? Trying to make sure I understand here.
Also, always here if you need to talk, I read CSAM charges in an arrest warrant a few years ago and I was absolutely not expecting they would describe the videos but it makes logical sense for needing to get an arrest warrant. Horrific though and really messed with me for a while. I had been a victim in a case years before that and thought I was used to reading things about GBV and was absolutely not expecting what I read. Kids as young as 6, my friend who asked me if I was sure I might want to read the arrest complaint was a federal appellate attorney, so she saw a lot in her daily job. Afterwards, when she told me that was actually mild for what they ended up seeing and I was just horrified.
Basically, yes. He sent out a mass email to his friends, myself included, asking for us to record ourselves saying wonderful things about him, his importance to us and the community. Luckily they were never used in court, I'm not sure they would've been allowed, but after we told the cops the situation, they spoke to counsel to make sure they wouldn't be.
Thank you for your offer, I am a trained peer support worker, and have a lot of experience in the sexual violence area, sadly.
Unfortunately, I'm so sick, for the last 7/8 years I've had to have between 3-7 surgeries a year, and I usually only get a few days notice...that there's not much part time work for someone like me sadly.
But he didn't mention anything about the court case or anything like that? That is really fucked up. Yeah, I mean he sounds more like he probably has one of Cluster B anti-social personality disorders. I know we really shouldn't be trying to diagnose anyone but in general, the charisma and manipulation and lack of remorse fits that all pretty well.
The judge is the one who usually decides whether those letters have any weight (that is how it works in the US) and luckily, the judge sounds like they could see through all of his BS. I think it is a strategy for offenders who are not sorry at all to typically not mention the victims because they instead are trying to get the judge to relate to them and empathize with them but yeah, typically the defense counsel makes the requests too but the suppression stuff in NZ really changes I think how this all works. Absolutely they would not be able to use something where they hadn't made folks aware of what the reason for them was like that. JFC that is shady.
Yeah, no one outside a few of us, knew anything about what was going on when he sent that request out, and I know that several people DID make videos for him, to great distress when finding out what he was intending on doing, or even that he had them to stroke his ego or whatever... it gives the ick, has been the general response.
Luckily we can assure people that it wasn't used in court proceedings, although I am sorry for those who DID make them, both because of the betrayal, but also that it would've stroked his ego, and possibly even convinced himself how great he was....
I do wish i could help with that hurt, however betrayal like that can be a pretty lonely process too unpack. I can only help by putting the offer of "what do you need" out there, and do my best to do that that needs to be done.
My various inboxes are always open.
(Just as an aside for anyone ever circling back to this - in the story "Alex*" has been change to "Nic*" to avoid conflating this story with another recent Webworm with another Alex!)
Thank you so much Dave, and Dylan especially.
To the victims, the forgotten victims, the ones Raj didn't see as humans, the descriptions of abuse that had me nearly yakking in a courtroom, the ones that survived, the many who likely didn't; I wish you freedom, I wish you hope.
You are more than images on a screen.
Arohanui and Kia Kaha.
Thanks for being here in these comments, Tove - and for talking to Dylan. I know this stuff isn't easy to revisit.
Lord this app is shite, I have no idea if I've posted this twice or where lol
While you did post it twice, your words are excellent enough to be read twice!
I'm sorry for what you've gone through - it must have been such a shock to find out a close friend was doing such hideous things in secret.
I hope and pray that you and the other friends of Raj don't feel any guilt in not having seen this coming. It's a level of evil we don't expect to encounter in our own lives.
There's the original one here from about 20 minutes earlier: https://www.webworm.co/p/themonsteryouknow/comment/124964207 so you could delete this one if you don't want it twice. But it's also such an important statement to have made that twice is probably appropriate.
Thank you was the gist of it.
See, it didn't even reply to you, although I did try lol
It keeps glitching all the time! I use a Google Pixel and it's a common enough theme now for all apps but Substack is really frustrating like that
Horrific and hard to read, but beautifully written Dylan. Thank you for sparing the details but for shedding light on this horrific case.
YES! I really appreciated the lack of detail.
As a new mum and a woman who reads the news regularly the idea that someone close to me could be actively engaging in or pursuing CSA content is terrifying, something I lie awake worrying about in the night. It feels like my job as a mother is to not only safeguard my baby from accidents, preventable diseases, dietary related problems, sun burn (the standards) but from this dark hard-to-see very real threat and it terrifies me. I can imagine the horror these close friends felt.
My 6 month old baby girl is sitting in my lap right now and I had a visceral reaction to the line about the age of the victims. She's so innocent and she has never known pain or evil and I hate that there are people out there that revel in that.
🥰
Totally feel this too. Was cuddling my toddler and reading this and just wanted to never let her go after finishing.
🥰
One the hardest things I've ever had to do was put my baby in the hands of others so I could go back to work. I was also dealing with a pretty bad case of post partum anxiety and depression, which lead to OCD. The feeling of being completely helpless to know everything that happened in your baby's life while they weren't with you... And it doesn't get any easier. She's nearly 8 now and I still worry. Even more so now that I have worked with CSA victims. But we have clear and open conversations about consent, about safety, about sex even, if only to talk about how it's only for adults and never for children. The fear doesn't leave, unfortunately, but it gets easier to deal with.
The best thing we can do is keep having open conversations with our kids. That is what helps most in the long run.
I feel sick.
Is it any wonder so many of us find it so hard to trust, especially to trust men?
I have had to reckon with being in the company of someone who turned out to be a monster beyond comprehension, but in my case it was a teacher in my high school. It really rattles something deep inside you. He only ended up getting 2 years in jail and 3 on probation when they found 70,000 images and 180 hours of the most horrific abuse the judge had ever witnessed. It's beyond comprehension.
I hope everyone who knew him and was affected by his actions is able to find healing and peace.
I've also had this experience but he was my colleague at a primary school. I went drinking with him. I met his family.
Many of my colleagues supported him. I did not. They all went very quiet once all the details came out and he was convicted.
This is so fucked up, I'm so sorry.
Thank you ALL so fucking much, I'm reading all your comments, so I've written up a wee thank you;
https://substack.com/@tove490184/note/c-125331324
So disturbing and I’m glad his plea for permanent name suppression wasn’t granted. Reading this reminds me of two podcasts, one is Hunting Warhead and the other is The Children in the Pictures. Both are about investigations into the exchange of child sexual abuse material on the dark web. The investigations lead to finding some of the perpetrators and victims involved, and just like this story, all of the surrounding people had no idea. Some say, in retrospect, they felt like something was off but never imagined it was something like this. The idea that people we know well could be so deceptive, so effectively is terrifying.
Sex offenders don’t change. Raj just got caught - again. He was undoubtedly offending all his life. The other thing I came here to say is - I think New Zealand has things completely arse about face with suppression. It really annoys me that so many people get name suppression. Often this allows them to offend again while waiting for the court process. Nowhere else in the world has such far reaching suppression laws. These were revised some years back but it still seems like if you have good lawyers you can keep suppression for years or forever. In the nz herald reporting, someone said they were glad that Raj didn’t seem to have abused any kids he knew. I found that jarring.
I understand supression.... but after he was convicted I have NO idea why it was allowed too stick. It meant that we had to wait over a year for it to finally be lifted at the sentencing hearing... but justice, well, her wheels grind slow.
It depends on the case, but sometimes the suppression is to protect the victims, if they were a family member.
I absolutely get that. The victims should be able to rely on suppression. My beef is that it’s overused in NZ. There’s the guy who had sexually assaulted (I think 2) girls. While he was on bail and waiting for the court process he offended again. The girls/women were gutted. If you have money, or your family does, you can go all the way to the Supreme Court. James Wallace had suppression for 5 years! The threshold is hardship but as soon as the District or High Court rules against suppression the lawyers say there will be an appeal and it continues. I also understand in the case where it might prejudice later cases, like the slug who killed Grace Millane.
In what world does materials about the sexual abuse of a 6 month old??? equate to 3 years in prison. Fuck me.
Two weeks ago, I had an experience with someone that I thought was my friend that left me thinking he has done some (sexually) bad things. I already know he's done some questionable things. He actually keeps texting me and I still haven't decided how to reply.
The huge difference between my friend and Raj is, shame. I think my friend is addicted to both sex and alcohol and he feels huge amounts of shame about the things he does. A lot of his shame is misplaced but it's very obvious that he is conflicted about the things he does. He doesn't like giving in to his compulsions. I think he hates himself.
People like Raj -- and I've met at least one -- are even more dangerous. They operate with no shame. Everything is about self-preservation. They are narcissists. They are sociopaths.
Both this story about Raj and what is going on with my friend make me realize that there are a lot of men with very similar problems & ways of thinking. It's scary as fuck. After dealing with my friend, I had this HOLY FUCK moment where I realized some of his behaviors were a lot like an ex-boyfriend's. And, his relationship with sex was a lot like my father's.
To those who knew this monster, or any of the similar monsters who hide in plain sight, don't blame yourselves for not seeing through their mask of normality. The fact that you didn't is a reflection of the good in you, not a failing. These people work hard to hide their true selves in order to do the terrible things they do. It is absolutely not your fault that they were successful in doing so. The true reflection of your character comes from what you did once you learned the truth - acted to warn and protect others, distanced yourself from the perpetrator, and did not protect them. And for that, you are all awesome.
These always make me feel sick; my skin crawls, and I'm so damn angry. Thank you for writing this. Years ago, I tried to write about the paedophile that I caught and went to the police, but it ripped me apart so much I ended up on a plane landed in the Kings Cross in Sydney shooting up herion as a responce to the hell that is tryng to get rid of them when you find one in your friednship group. That happened back in 1995. They are all paedos by the way. Having photos is all part of the bigger picture. The one I knew was a nurse on children's wards, and we were young mums, and he was a friend of one of the mums. We had all met in a support group, not him; he was on the outside. Same as this story, nobody knew, and it was a large friendship group. I was the only one who sensed it becase of my childhood I have a sense for these fuckwits a mile away. Going up against your friends is hell. Years later (I wont go into it here as it also triggering as f**k) a detective friend told me that the reason it broke me was because I did it all alone, he said in the police when someone goes undercover the have the entire department and a special team to support them. I had no one while I collected all the evidence to take to the police. They all live double lives. There is so much about them that is all the dam same. They are all narcissists who need to make other people feel like they are in the wrong. Going against them sucked so much life out of me I still strugggle to talk about that time. I am so pleased they caught this c**t. I am so sorry for all the victims and their families; this will haunt them forever. The pedo I caught used to take my friends' toddler children out on 'outings', but really took them to a studio to take photos of them. It was the photos that I found that I took to the police.