Hi,

It’s almost Christmas Day which means it is almost my birthday, where you will find me whimpering in the corner clutching a warm bottle of Baileys.

And — a gift for you.

A beacon of hope in a horrific year for journalism. A beacon that beckons from a truly surprising place: Inside the mind of Hayden Donnell.

This all sounds heavily sarcastic, but Hayden is consistently one of my favourite writers. He was in the background of all my Arise church coverage, co-writing many pieces that led to Webworm winning “Best Team Investigation” at Voyager media awards last year. He can write a nuanced, in-depth piece for Webworm on a new court system one month, and a bonkers piece on humankind’s eternal quest for immortality the next.

And his last essay for 2024 is a fucking delight.

David.

The One Good Thing Left in Journalism

by Hayden Donnell.

Journalism is dying horribly.

Its distended, yellowing body is writhing on a bed of grifting YouTubers and scam Facebook ads. Every limb is in pain. New Zealand’s media organisations are oscillating between firing people and begging for cash. If America’s aren’t going out of business, they’re owned by a corrupt billionaire who’s vetoing any headlines that don’t spit polish Elon Musk’s weird space shoes. Even The New York Times is mainly a games business.

There are few joys. A multitude of miseries. But one tiny sliver of light remains. One crouton of hope in the soup of despair.

Sometimes in journalism, you get to write a headline about Uranus.

Thank the lord for Uranus. When the German astronomer Johann Elert Bode suggested naming the ice giant after the Greek god of the sky in 1789, he argued it fit neatly with its neighbouring god-planets Jupiter and Saturn. Bode likely thought naming a celestial body was an auspicious addition to his scientific legacy. Unfortunately for him, he failed to consider that Uranus is also the name for the only thing darker and more airless than the depths of space: the human butthole.

His misfortune has been the media’s salvation. Most journalism is dryly reporting on car crashes, job losses, and old people going insane at the sight of a bike lane. Then every so often Uranus comes along, and reporters get to seize it with both hands and revel in its delights.

They never miss an opportunity. Recently, astronomers found evidence of a liquid ocean on the planet’s icy moon Miranda. Journalists treated the important discovery with trademark decorum.

But this wet mass is hardly the best thing to come out of Uranus. In 2017, scientists, perhaps sensing our reporters needed a morale boost, decided to investigate the planet’s gasses.

They found an atmosphere rich in hydrogen sulfide, which headline writers noted is just a scientific way of saying Uranus smells like a diarrhea-sufferer’s disgusting ass expulsions.

Around the same time one journalist won international fame for his series of headlines about objects alternately smashing into and being expelled from Uranus.

After that there was a lull. But Uranus doesn’t stay quiet for long. In 2020, scientists revealed it’s regularly leaking gas.

Just last month, astronomers unveiled new research showing a rare solar wind may have messed with Voyager 2’s readings when it flew past the planet in 1986. The findings are a setback for our understanding of Uranus and its place in the Milky Way, forcing us to revise decades of scientific research and who cares screw that it’s time for more fart jokes cowabunga.

The next year is likely to be dire for the media. We’ll see more closures and cutbacks. Elon Musk might buy a news company and start running live phrenology instead of a 6pm bulletin. Donald Trump could well order a Navy SEAL team to assassinate Rachel Maddow.

But there is one hope on the horizon.

Scientists will be looking into whether that aforementioned ocean on the moon Miranda may harbour life. If we play our cards right, the last remaining journalist may get to write a killer headline about how fish have been found fighting for life in the wet patch near Uranus before finally getting fired, switching off the lights, and leaving the newsroom dark, empty, and smelling faintly of farts.

-Hayden Donnell.

Have a great holiday*, everyone. I will have a few more newsletters coming to round out the new year — so stay tuned. They’re fun ones.

Thanks for choosing to support Webworm. Four years in, and still going strong — thanks to you.

David.

*I am very aware not everyone is on holiday. Holidays almost seem old fashioned. I guess what I am saying is, I hope you get a moment with a loved one to look back on things, or at the very least just a few moments of calm. As usual, I will be around in the comments. If you’re lonely, or this time of the year sucks for you, come hang out in there. It’s good people there.