How I Ended Up On Celebrity Family Feud

Hi,

Things can get a bit intense here on Webworm, so to end the week I wanted to talk about something a little more whimsical and silly: The fact I ended up on Celebrity Family Feud… and made this facial expression:

I am truly sorry.

I was there because my buddy Rhys Darby was invited on.

I met Rhys way back in 2007 when I interviewed him for the late night news show I worked on in New Zealand, Nightline. I cringe watching that video back, but hey — we all have to start somewhere.

Rhys and I hit it off at the time, and we ended up making a podcast together with our mutual friend Leon. A few years after that, Rhys cast me (as myself) in a TV show he wrote called Short Poppies — which contained a bunch of kiwis much more talented than me.

Fast forward some more, and we both went off and did our own thing. I made some weird documentaries and podcasts, Rhys went off to appear in movies alongside people like Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, and is now the star of HBO Max’s excellent Our Flag Means Death.

When Rhys got invited on Celebrity Family Feud earlier this year, he kindly invited me to be on his team… because kiwis are family.

This weekend, the show we recorded a few months ago goes out to millions on ABC. Terrifying.

I’m fairly certain all my lines will be cut out because I was a nervous mess. I do know my facial expression made the cut, because the producers sent it to me:

Why did I make that face, exactly? Well — before we were marched on stage to do the gameshow, we were all taken into a back room and briefed on how the show worked.

To be honest, the instructions all turned into a blur. But I did remember the first bit they told us:

“Now, when you go to the podium, you want to acknowledge your opponent. It makes it more fun that way. We used to shake hands — but now, because of Covid, we can’t do that. So contestants started to get really creative — and so we found the more creative and fun you can be about it, the more fun the show is going to be.”

So apparently my version of “creative and fun” was to shoot a death stare at my opponent Shaina, sister of comedian Jay Pharoah.

The whole thing was one of the most ridiculous experiences of my life, and one of the most American. I mean the whole aim of the show is to answer questions with the answer you assume most Americans would give. To win the show, you simply have to think like an American.

We arrived onto a big studio lot, where we were ushered to our trailers. My trailer came with a DVD player, a toilet that had carpet on the floor, and a big mirror (because: Hollywood; vanity).

We got our hair and makeup done over the course of about three hours. There was a lot of waiting. I quizzed Renee, who was sorting out people’s hair, about how to win:

“Don’t think too hard. Remember, it’s the most common answer you’re looking for. Whatever comes to the top of your mind is probably the best.”

I told her I was worried about panicking. A kiwi out of their depth.

“If you panic, it’s good TV. If you panic and you say something stupid, it’s good TV and you’ll end up on YouTube. Or as a meme.”

Great. Eventually, after hours of waiting, we were ushered into that briefing room. I’d liken it to the queue before you get onto a rollercoaster: It’s calm and kind of boring, then suddenly you’re just strapped into a ride you can’t escape from, even if you wanted to.

Because suddenly, almost without warning, you’re just marched onto set and realise you’re on the gameshow and it’s been recorded and there is nothing you can do to stop it.

It’s hard to explain, but Family Feud just happens to you. You’re in the middle of a finely-tuned machine, and you just sort of instinctively know where to look, where to walk, and how to react.

It’s a weird sort of magic. You’re a chimp at the zoo smiling and clapping and buzzing — and then it’s just over.

Suddenly you’re spat out the other side onto the lot. The rollercoaster is done and you feel a bit sick, but relieved: Steve Harvey’s expressions etched in your brain for all eternity.

It was definitely one of the weirdest experiences of my life, and I guess my terrified looks are about to be broadcast to a bunch of homes that watch Celebrity Family Feud. I guess after that it goes onto some streaming site or YouTube? To be honest I don’t even know.

It’s been running since 2008. Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are your typical guests. Steve Harvey’s face is practically a meme.

If you watch it, I hope you get some laughs. Rhys is great. Jay Pharoah and his family on the other team are superb. Samba Schutte who’s also on Our Flag Means Death is a legend.

I hope I don’t become a meme. No-one wants that.

The best news of the day, for me? Despite the death stare, me and Shaina got on like a house on fire.

Have a good weekend, please.

As usual I’ll be lurking in the comments and happy to answer questions about the logistics of a gameshow of this size, and Steve Harvey’s mustache.

Talk soon,

David.

PS: This week’s Flightless Bird is about America’s obsession with diners. Where did they come from? Is it okay to eat alone? And why is Waffle House ground zero for so many fights? I’ve listed all the places you can listen to FB here.