Never Engage with Toddlers Online

Social media is a hotbed of arguing, shouting and posturing. Here are my rules of (dis)engagement.

Hi,

Last week Radio New Zealand tweeted a link to an interview I’d done last year with Kim Hill, where we talked about conspiracy theory culture in New Zealand.

Always curious about who responds to these kinds of tweets, I clicked on the replies — and quickly saw a pattern: People hated it.

This happens on Twitter all the time — a post that is critical about conspiracy theories (in this case, focussed on the pandemic) suddenly sees a huge response of laughing emojis, disdain, and — unsurprisingly — falsehoods (I don’t do hate speech).

Actually, this happens on Twitter in response to any issue that’s even mildly polarising. Marvel and DC fans endlessly fighting about superheroes comes to mind.

The temptation when you see tweets like this is to engage. To reply. Something funny, witty, angry — maybe even a fact to correct them. To show them up in some way.

My advice? Never do this. Never reply to these kinds of tweets. Ever.

Instead of replying — and if you want to provide your brain with a little entertainment — click onto their profile and guess what you’re going to get. It’s probably the world’s easiest guessing game.

Let’s try it with the people above.

---

@mrs_wiggley: Tweeted a series of laughing emojis

Profile: Ten words in, and we hit “freedom”. Sign up date of November 2021 — this is a very new account.

Latest tweet: In this case it’s a retweet from “Sir Peter Morris”, who talks a familiar conspiracy theory about vaccines being a method of control. Of course there are mentions of “sheep” and “fear”. Clicking through on his profile reveals someone who is vehemently anti-vax and a regular spreader of disinformation regarding vaccine injuries.

Verdict: Lost down the rabbit hole.

@Lynne82789819: Tweeted “well that was boring af”

Profile: No description, but a relatively new account (July 2021) — and the classic name + random number Twitter handle that is always shorthand for “stay the fuck away from this account”.

Latest tweet: A series of retweets of anti-vax accounts, followed by this original Tweet quoting an anti-Labour message:

Verdict: Lost down the rabbit hole.

@mrsrosieb: Tweeted something about a nanny

Profile: Pretty vanilla, to be honest. Although I do note that I had her muted, which definitely hints at annoying behaviour in the past.

Latest tweet: A pinned anti-Jacinda Ardern tweet, followed by another tweet comparing her partner Clarke Gayford to alleged sex pest Prince Andrew. Stay classy, RosieB:

Verdict: Lost down the rabbit hole.

@KhanKaga: Tweeted “why does everything have to be a conspiracy?!”

Profile: Nothing much to see, but the New Zealand flag is — tbh — a red flag. You know how American flags in people’s yards signal “I am probably a Trump supporter?” Unfortunately the New Zealand flag often represents similar territory.

Last tweet: A link to blatantly false information on some dude’s Wordpress site. This is followed by about 200 other tweets full of health disinformation:

Verdict: Lost down the rabbit hole.

@TheSavageJaw_: Tweeted “I’m surprised you’ve aligned yourselves with Farrier”

Profile: A series of hashtags really show you all you need to know: #NoVaccinePassportsAnywhere & #InformedConsent. Also a relatively new account, signing up in August last year. Their profile references “alpha” and “beta” which is also a sign to stay well away. Or risk being called a “cuck”.

Latest tweet: A retweet of this totally normal post about mandates, police surveillance and criminalisation — all paired with an image of a stern looking bald man leering over a planet that appears to be on fire:

Verdict: Lost down the rabbit hole.

Okay, so:

As you see the patterns emerging — at least this is the case for me — I find it far less appealing to reply.

So unappealing in fact, the urge to reply vanishes from my psyche.

Because you realise you were about to waste your time talking to people who spend approximately 98% of their time on Twitter pushing bonkers ideas. No-one has convinced them to change their mind so far, and you certainly aren’t going to.

I think we need to remember the entire reason these people (or bots, as many will be) exist on Twitter is for this one thing. Largely, conspiracy theorists only tweet about conspiracy theories. That’s all. Anti-vaxxers just tweet anti-vax messaging. It’s the same with the anti-trans crowd: They only exist on Twitter to tweet negatively about trans issues. It’s all or nothing. They never take a break to post a photo of a muffin, or a nice sunset they saw.

I forget this sometimes, and assume they’re like me. I’m as left as they come, but I’m not just posting my leftist agenda 24/7. I tweet about a cat I saw on a walk, or a tech article I liked. A movie I saw, or an album I’m obsessed about. I like to think my world is bigger than one thing — and so assume that’s the case with everyone else.

It’s not. So leave them in their bubble, and move on with your day.

Engaging with them is as psychotic as marching into a room full of toddlers and screaming at them that they’re all idiots for having imaginary friends. It’s pointless, it makes a scene, and the toddlers are not going to listen to you. They’ll become distressed and the whole class will have a meltdown.

It also pays to keep in mind that the second you engage with one of these tweets, suddenly all your followers can see it. Something nobody would notice except the maniac tweeter now becomes the business of the people who follow you.

If certain replies are getting to you — remember you can mute threads and people. Muting is almost better than blocking, as many people you block see this as some kind of victory. “We got to him!”, they’ll think. Don’t give them the satisfaction — just mute them. It’s one of the small joys of Twitter.

And if you have someone terrible following you? Like some nazi piece of trash that makes you feel physically ill knowing they’re reading your stuff? Just hit block, then unblock: it physically boots them off as a follower, and they’ll never know any different. This is the main positive uses of the block button:

I hope this helps you Twitter experience. And your social media experience in general, perhaps.

Don’t engage with the toddlers.

David.

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PPS: Speaking of toddlers…

Borrachinha Depot @FullContactMTWF

We probably won't see Josh Zepps on Rogan's podcast for a while 😂

PPSS: The final of Yellowjackets is out. I’m fairly confident this is one of the most enthralling and fun shows I’ve seen — a Lord of the Flies showdown infused with some giant LOST mystery DNA.

Because it’s true all New Zealanders know each other, I was talking Melanie Lynskey who plays adult Shauna in the series. She’s still tripping on the massive following the show’s picked up along the way:

“The reception has been absolutely insane and very gratifying! I felt like the show was really good, but you never know how people will receive it. It’s been fun reading all the fan theories, even the totally disgusting ones. I feel really lucky to be part of something that I think is good and to have other people think the same!”

If you want something good to watch, a good little trick is just looking for Melanie Lynskey performances: Castle Rock (Stephen King fans rejoice) and I Don't Feel at Home in This World Anymore spring to mind. And Yellowjackets, of course.