Behind Allbirds' Absurdist AI Pivot

Hi,

It's been another incredibly stupid week. Looksmaxxing influencer Clavicular overdosed during a livestream (probably on meth), Donald Trump sent his cult into a spiral after posting a blasphemous image of him as Jesus, Pete Hegseth prayed directly from Pulp Fiction instead of The Bible during Pentagon worship session, and Substack doubled down on its philosophy of "the-best-way-to-counter-bad-ideas-is-to-actively-participate-in-and-profit-from-their-monetisation" by sending rapist Andrew Tate to number one on its bestsellers list:

Oh, and New Zealand's worst shoe company "Allbirds" announced it's pivoting to AI. And it's to all Allbirds we turn to today, because I think it sums up how absolutely full of shit everything is right now.

For a time, New Zealanders loved their Allbirds. The shoe was up there with Lord of the Rings, Lorde, and Flight of the Concords. We wore them, and we wore them proudly. Being proud of anything is nearly impossible when you're a Kiwi: but we were fucking proud of our Allbirds.

Launched from a humble Kickstarter in 2014 (back then Allbirds were "Wool Runners", 970 backers giving $119,196 in just five days), their entire thing was being environmentally friendly and sustainable. We wrapped our tootsies in the merino wool marvels, and tied our laces made from recycled plastic bottles and old beans.

"Taking ec0-friendly fashion seriously but without preaching about it, Allbirds point to a brighter future for ethical brands," belched Esquire back then. A few years later, the humble Kiwi brand was valued at $1.4 billion.

They were worn by Ben Affleck and Barack Obama. They were not only environmentally friendly, they were cool.

Of course the shoe was actually pretty shit, but no-one seemed to notice because the message (ethical!) and vibe (cool!) was so fucking loud.

At the heart of it all, Allbirds was never anything more than a Silicon Valley unicorn worn by Silicon Valley tech bros. The end was probably near when dickhead Ashton Kutcher started wearing them.

Allbirds went public in 2021, but people's feet were tiring of them. By 2024, they got a non-compliance notice from Nasdaq "after its share prices fell below $1 for 30 consecutive days". Last month the company – once valued at $4 billion – sold all its intellectual property for a piddly $39 million.

They sold to "American Exchange Group" (which also owns tragic brands like Ed Hardy) and promptly announced it was pivoting to AI. Shares soared by 582%.

This is the dumbest shit and it makes me want to throw my head through the wall. I'm handing things over to my colleague Dylan Reeve (I made Tickled with him, he's smart) to break it down.